The Gabbler: First of all, thank you so, so much for being here today! It’s really such an honor to meet someone so important to the history of mankind. I’m just kind of floored to be in the same room with you, to be honest.

Donald Trump: I tend to have that effect on people.

TG: …I was talking to Vasco da Gama, actually. Not that your work on The Apprentice wasn’t illuminating Mr. Trump. I mean, it was no sea route to India, opening Portugal up to trade with India without going through the Mediterranean or the Arabian Peninsula, but Bethenny Frankel sure is making her mark on the Bravo network. All thanks to the start you gave her!

DT: Actually Bethenny was on the Martha Stewart season.

TG: Right. But please, Donald, can I call you Donald? Why don’t you let Vasco speak for a second? Or at least move so I can stare deep into those beautiful brown eyes. Oh what they must have seen!

Vasco da Gama: Why thank you, Senhorita. Your eyes, too, are endless pools of understanding and curiosity.

DT: What does that even mean?! Listen, with all due respect lady, your eyes are putrid pools of liberal brainwashing. Let’s get to the real important topic: making America great again.

TG: Well, actually we’re here to talk about something else: ignorance. Vasco, how do you feel ignorance has helped you in your life?

VdG: Ignorance was the beginning of everything Senhorita. I did not know that there was a traversable sea route to India, so I left my home and travelled far, through treacherous waters, around the Cape of Good Hope, risking my life and the lives of my men to find the answer, to find the one route that would not result in total wreckage. And before now I was ignorant to what true beauty was. But I discovered it as soon as I saw your face.

TG: Oh, Vasco, please! I’m blushing!

DT: So you’re telling me that all this schmuck did was find the way to get to India? I can do that. Step one: get on my private jet. Step two: Tell them to take me to India. Done.

TG: Well, yeah, but he was the FIRST to do it. Because he admitted that he didn’t know the answer so he went out and sought it. What was the last time you had to go out in search of answer?

DT: Never. You wanna know why? I was born with the answers. They’re all up here, beneath my full head of hair. Trump see all, hears all, knows all.

TG: But isn’t that kind of the point? If all of human knowledge fits inside of Donald Trump’s brain, aren’t we done moving forward?

DT: Well we better start moving forward, toward the Reagan era, now that Obama’s been moving us backwards toward socialism. Time to make America great again!

VdG: If I may, Senhorita, isn’t the first step to knowing admitting that you do not know? Is life not an endless exploration, a search for the answers to our most profound, and most even most petty, questions? Without questions, what are we, but apes trumpeting our own greatness to the troop?

DT: Did you just call me an ape? With a mug like that, you should look in the mirror before you start throwing stones. Glass houses and all.

TG: And I don’t think someone with hair as disastrous as yours should criticize a man with such a gorgeous, flowing beard, Donald. Anyway, let’s get on to something more important. What’s it like to really, truly alter the course of human history?

DT: It’s truly humbling. But the economic enterprises I’ve built are nothing compared to what I’ll do as president!

TG: Yeah, I was talking to Vasco again.

VdG: Oh, I would not say that I’ve changed the course of anything, Senhorita. I am but one man on the endless search for knowledge.

DT: Well I don’t need to search for what I already have.

TG: Really? And since you know so much, how DO you get to India from Portugal by sea?

DT: I told you: you jump on Trump Air and cruise in style. But I guess if you’re going to be real insistent about this whole “sea route” thing, then we can hop on my yacht. Captain Pete will get us there.

VdG: You must stick close to the coast of Africa the whole way, of course.

DT: AFRICA?! I’m not a big fan of that country-bunch of whiny freeloaders if you ask me.

TG: Well that was wrong and offensive on a few levels. Perhaps it’s time that we end the interview, so Vasco and I can go check out that new wine bar they just opened up down the street from my completely-empty-because-my-roommate’s-gone-for-the-weekend apartment.

VdG: I would love to, bela.

DT: God, I should have known a lib like you would be kind of slutty. How about I come along and show YOU how to be great again, huh?

TG: Well on that note, I’ll leave it to readers who they’d rather be: the proudly ignorant and insatiably curious and incurably handsome Vasco da Gama, or the “knowledgeable” Donald Trump. Come on Vasco, let’s blow this popsicle stand.

DT: Whatever. You’re ugly, anyway.

I’m not the first one to have this idea — check out an awesome Chrome extension by Byron Clark that will swap out each instance of “Political Correctness” with a more appropriate phrase. Clark based that off a blog post by Neil Gaiman on the same topic. For a good breakdown of the word check out this post by Mark McCutcheon and Amanda Taub’s response toJonathan Chait’s problematic article on political correctness.

Bernie Sanders

Distance: wayyy out​ there in VT.

Active: 73 years, baby

About Bernie: “I’m just looking for a happy, healthy relationship in which the means of production, distribution, and exchange are owned and/or regulated equally.

Also, ice cream > frozen yogurt.”

 Rand Paul

Hillary Clinton

Ted Cruz

Distance: The United States of Texas

Active: Since Freshman year

About Ted: “Harvard AND Princeton alum. Proud Wacko Bird. I know everyone’s wondering, so I’ll just settle all bets now: yes, I do wear my cowboy boots everywhere.” ;) 

Favorite Books: The Bible, The Fountainhead, Green Eggs and Ham and of course, mine!

 

​ ​Jeb Bush

Donald Trump

Thank you! I’m sure it’s a great honor for you to have me here at the 2012 Republican National Convention!

I want to start by saying a quick you’re welcome to Governor Romney for never officially entering the race. Because we all know that Romney wouldn’t have stood a chance in the primary if he were up against The Donald.

But seriously, how great would it be if we were living in the United States of Trump? It would certainly be better than living in Obama’s Socialized Europe. President Barack Hussein Obama, worst president in American history and those libs are out there, thinking of electing him again! He hasn’t even really proven that he was born here, has he? I know he came up with a long form birth certificate, thanks to yours truly, but you can get those on any Newark street corner. And Obama certainly fits in inner city Newark.

But you know who was born in this great country, the greatest country in the world? One Mr. Donald Trump, the greatest man in the world. I could even be the greatest president in history. You know why I would be such an excellent president? My decades of private sector experience.

You see, unlike our beloved President, I actually know how to run a business. I know how to get this economy going. I know what big business needs from the government to turn the maximum profit.  And, unlike Obama, I would give businesses what they needed, because if the government doesn’t answer to the American businessman than who does he answer to?

I also have experience running a business at a deficit, so I could clearly run our country and clear our huge national debt. I don’t even know how many projects I’ve run into bankruptcy, but it’s quite a few. And I still have $3 billion! What does Obama do with our huge national debt? He pumps more Chinese dollars into the Affordable Care Act. Do you know what The Donald would do with that debt? I would build with it. Build an America with low taxes, no entitlement spending, and the biggest fucking military in the world. All to great personal profit. Because that’s what I do.

If you were lucky enough to elect me president, here’s how I would run the United States of Trump. It’s simple: like a business. Because, after all, isn’t government the greatest business of all?

So, your first step in any business is to identify your demographic. Do I wish that everyone in the whole world lived in a Trump owned building? Of course! Then I would have $3 trillion instead of $3 billion. But that’s just not realistic. You can’t serve everyone. So, instead, you’ve got to pick and choose who’s your targeted customer. I, clearly, go for the wealthy and powerful. I mean, come on, have you seen Trump Tower?

So we have our demographic: the rich and powerful. What’s next, Donald? Well, that’s simple: we provide them with the services they need at the lowest possible cost. In fact, since it’s the government, I don’t even need to worry about turning a profit and adding to my billions, so the cost will be pretty low.

As an example, let me outline how the United States of Trump would deal with the three “E’s” and the big “FP.” That’s economy, environment, entitlements and foreign policy, to those of you who can’t keep up with The Donald.

The economy, that’s easy. That’s what I do. You’ve got to treat it like an ex-wife. Let that crazy bitch run free and she’ll make something of herself if she really wants to. And, since this is government and not for profit, maybe lower some taxes for rich people. They’ve worked hard! They just want that extra million for a yacht. And, again, these people, these wealthy people, are my demographic, my customer base. The more money I free up for them in taxes, the more money they have to fund my next campaign. Just think of it as an investment. As for actually funding the government, well, that’s what the middle class is for. Am I right?

The environment, even easier. If it wants to survive then it can become part of the free market system, like everyone else. Listen up, polar bears, don’t expect me to bail you out with regulation of greenhouse gases just because some celebrities are crying global warming. You don’t want to go extinct? Well get a god damn job. Being part of a business means only supplying the needs of your customers without demanding too much uncomfortable behavior on their part. I’m not going to make someone climb the stairs to the Trump Tower penthouse, just because it’s more “green.” And I’m not going to tell my hard voting constituents to hang up their SUVs and buy a hybrid.

And entitlements are the easiest of all! We’re done with that. You want to be an American. Well fine, take care of yourself or “You’re Fired!” That’s right, permanent deportation for any American who demands welfare of any kind. Because, in a company, you can’t lug around dead weight. The minute an employee, or American citizen, isn’t working up to the standards required of him or her, that’s it. You’re out.

Foreign policy is where it gets fun. You see, every building I make is gorgeous, with a nice glossy exterior, so all the world can know: there goes a real man! The military is this country’s glossy exterior. So we need to pump money into our defense budget and let no man, country or international organization tell us how to behave. Because it’s not a bad thing in business to have your competitors running scared of your big, shiny nukes.

And as for my VP pick? Well Paul Ryan’s great, but how about Arsenio Hall, late night legend and latest Celebrity Apprentice winner? And if he falls through, I bet I could at least get you Clay Aiken. Or even better, how does Celebrity Vice President, a reality competition where celebrities compete to be my VP, sound? Because I could do that. The Donald could.

But, you know, Romney’s not a terrible second choice. If you can’t have the best, you might as well have the Mormon second best. His private sector experience almost rivals mine (but not quite…no one does mogul with as much flair as I do).

I’m here, tonight, though, to once again endorse Mitt Romney for President. Let’s take down that immigrant, imposter president and take the US back for the businessman!