Day 1: Write 10 Things I’m Grateful For, Repeat Daily

What I’m really grateful for is food, because without cheese and chocolate I never would have been able to actually think of 10 whole reasons why I’m thankful for my shitty life.

Day 2: Tell a Magic Rock the Highlight of My Day, Repeat Nightly

The rock really didn’t seem to care that my barista forgot to charge me for the extra shot of espresso I asked for. But it was a better listener than my ex-boyfriend ever was so, bright side?

Day 3: Thank Pictures of My Friends for Being Awesome

So I really tried and I did okay with Julie’s and Tiffany’s pictures but when I got to Nikki’s and thanked her for always helping me pick out the perfect outfit for any occasion it reminded me of that time that she borrowed my favorite dress for a date and then stained it with massage oil and semen because I guess the date just went THAT well. Gross and I am NOT thankful for that, sorry Universe.

Day 4: Be Grateful that My Body Is Fully Functioning

I am so thankful that my fat, giant thighs that keep me from being able to rock a mini-skirt are strong enough to allow me to dance alone in my room where no one else can see them jiggling to the beat of Kanye. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Day 5: Say Thank You for All the Money that Has Ever Been Spent by and/or on Me

Today just made me feel spoiled. I am the most spoiled, living paycheck to paycheck, almost unable to make rent person ever. But no worries, I’m sure now that I realize that the Universe will send some moolah my way.

Day 6: Have an Invisible Manager in My Mind Keep Track of Everything I’m Grateful for

I was most thankful when this day was over and I no longer had to imagine a tiny, invisible person sitting in my brain and keeping track of all my thoughts. It’s a little creepy, Universe, I’m not gonna lie.

Day 7: Magically Transform Negativity into Gratefulness Through List-Making

I have to say, I really am thankful that even though my job pays me almost nothing, it’s located right next to that coffee cart with the really good donuts. The rest of the list (I’m really grateful that it exposes me to the fast paced world of data entry? What is that?) was kind of bullshit, though.

Day 8: Sprinkle My Food and Drinks with Magic Thankful Dust

Okay, I’m not a fairy so I’m not sure why the Universe expects me to use Magic Dust, but being thankful for deliciousness really isn’t too hard. So thank you, thank you, thank you and may I please have seconds?

Day 9: Thank My Bills for Existing

Listen, I get it. I’m really thankful for electricity and plumbing and the roof over my head and all but I’m NOT thankful that my roommate kept the heat in her room at 80 degrees all last month and she still expects me to pay half the bill (even though my thermostat was set at 65).

Day 10: Sprinkle Magic Thankful Dust on People who Perform Services for Me

Again with the Magic Dust. The guy at my coffee cart didn’t look too impressed when I got out a pouch of glitter and started sprinkling it on his head. I mean, sure, that wasn’t TECHNICALLY in the book, but I figured the Universe would be grateful for my creative license, right?

Day 11: Say Thank You When I Wake up

I rocked this one. Thank and You, Universe.

Day 12: Sit Alone and Talk to Myself about the People I’m Thankful for

I probably shouldn’t have done this while sitting alone on a bench in the subway. But hey, at least that nice out of town couple threw me a few bucks because they thought I was a sad, crazy homeless girl. Thanks Universe.

Day 13: Thank the Universe for My Unachieved Goals, as if I’ve Actually Succeeded

Universe, I am so grateful to have married People’s Sexiest Man Alive of 2015 and to have sold my small startup for a record $1 billion after a mere six months of operation. Also I’m grateful for the help in figuring out what the hell kind of startup I actually want to start up.

Day 14: Picture My Day as Magical When I Wake up

In my Magical Picture, my boss didn’t end up spilling her morning coffee all over my brand new white cashmere sweater, but, hey, sometimes the Universe likes to fuck you over for forgetting to tell your Magic Rock your day’s highlight ONE TIME.

Day 15: List Ten Reasons Why I’m Grateful for My Asshole Ex

Thanks, Universe, for reminding me of the way he used to make me laugh until I cried and how safe I felt in his arms. It was great leaving my angry bitterness behind for heart wrenching sobs and uncontrollable longing because FUCK NOW I MISS HIM AGAIN. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Universe.

Day 16: Thank My Fully Functioning Body Again and Then Be Grateful for Its Future Health

Universe, I am so thankful that Weight Watchers will one day get rid of my jiggly thighs when I can actually afford it and I’ll finally be able to dance in public in a miniskirt.

Day 17: Write Myself a Magic Check from the Universe for the Amount of Money I Want

Is $1 trillion too much? I’ll be really, really grateful, I promise. Also, does the Universe do direct deposit? Because I don’t know if I’ll get off work early enough to stop by my bank…

Day 18: Write a Magical To Do List and Be Thankful for Each Thing on It

Done and done. Now it’s just a matter of time until the Universe finds me someone to clean my bathroom for free. I am just so grateful for that I am busting. I’ll even supply the bleach.

Day 19: Take 100 Magical Footsteps While Saying Thank You

Again, not the thing to do while waiting for the subway. But thanks for the $5 from tourists who thought it was hip, New York performance art. We’re that much closer to the $1 trillion goal, Universe.

Day 20: Focus on My Heart and Say Thank You

This one didn’t quite pan out, probably due to my hypochondriac tendency to imagine up pain whenever I focus on a specific body part. On the bright side, the ER doctors assured me that I wasn’t having a heart attack but to be sure to come back in 40-50 more years when it was a much more likely possibility.

Day 21: Imagine and Be Grateful for Three Magnificent Outcomes in My Day

I think we had a miscommunication, Universe. I imagined meeting the love of my life while browsing the poetry section at Barnes & Noble, not getting hit on by the creepy sales associate while deciding between Cosmo and Glamour.

Day 22: Read through Top Ten Desires and Be Thankful for Each Thing

Number one desire: Make Oprah cry.

Day 23: Breathe in and Thank the Magical Air

Thank you Universe for the pure, highly polluted New York air. I’m slightly less thankful for the bug I just accidently inhaled, however.

Day 24: Wish Three Magnificent Outcomes for Three People and Be Thankful for Them

Does wishing Nikki pours wine all over her new, totally slutty (by the way) dress count as a Magnificent Outcome for her? I just want some cosmic redemption, Universe, I really liked that dress she ruined.

Day 25: Play with the Universe by Taking Gratitude Cues

So apparently the Universe is more like my ex than I realized. They’d both rather just play with themselves than with me. And by play with themselves I mean masturbate.

Day 26: List Ten Reasons Why I’m Grateful for the Mistakes of My Life

Because they’ve brought me to this great place in my life where I end up spending what little money I have on a book that turns out to be a bunch of fake New Age bullshit?

Day 27: Look in the Mirror and Thank It for Myself

Thanks, Universe, for myself. But couldn’t you have made my nose a little bit straighter? I would have been way thankful for that.

Day 28: Thank the Universe for the Good Stuff that Happened Yesterday

Yesterday I got fired. Apparently my boss thought I was too distracted lately, wandering around throwing glitter all over everyone and constantly whispering “thank you, thank you, thank you” under my breath. So thanks, Universe. All this gratitude has made me unemployed. And I’m still fucking single.

November 17^th, 1998

Dear Diary,

No one really understands my brilliance, my vision, my creations. My incredible insight into the complete and utter futility of existence on a planet that is slowly suffocating under the weight of human hatred and greed. It’s all right there in every movement of Elmo’s red, furry little arm. Why can’t they see that?

It’s been like this for years, too. Remember An American Tail? That was a stark portrayal of immigration issues in modern-day America, set against the backdrop of Russian Jewish mice in the 19^th century. I mean, Fievel, the movie’s lead, crosses into America illegally, skips immigration and customs completely and what happens to him? He ends up conned into sweatshop labor by a cat dressed as a mouse. Can I be any clearer about the vulnerabilities of immigrant children? I mean, I originally wanted him to end up chained up in some dirty, warehouse brothel, but Spielberg wouldn’t have any of it. “It’s a children’s movie, wah, wah, wah!” Well guess what, Spielberg? The children need to know. Because today’s innocent child is tomorrow’s dirty whore.

And what about when the mice said that, in America, the streets were “paved with cheese?” What’s a better image of gold and greed turned rotten than cheese stinking in the New York summer sun? But no, everyone just thought mice loved cheese, so that’s perfect. Well you know what happens to a mouse who eats too much cheese? I don’t, but I’m guessing it begins with Type II and ends with Diabetes.

And no one at all saw the symbolism in the Jewish mice and anti-Semitic cats. I mean, they fled the cats in Russia and found them in America. That’s because racism and hatred are both everywhere, people. You can only flee from them in death.  But no, everyone thought they were just so “fun” and “adorable.” Come on, people! Art Spiegelman does it and it’s “groundbreaking” and “Pulitzer Prize winning” but we do the same exact thing except for children, the world’s most intellectually vulnerable population, and it’s just “so cute” and “plagiarism.”

But fine, no one got An American Tail. Whatever, I moved on. Right to The Land Before Time. I figured if mice weren’t strong enough to send out my message, then dinosaurs were. I mean, I poured everything I had into that movie. It was my ultimate manifesto on the desiccated, dying earth and the peace that’s ultimately only found in death.

Let me break it down for you: I had infant, seemingly adorable dinosaurs stuck in a barren wasteland (hint, people: they represented your evil children in the wasteland of modern America). I orphaned them and pitted them against each other. Why? Because they hated anyone who didn’t look like them or eat the same food as them. Hmmm…sound familiar? Oh wait, it’s like all the racism and homophobia and sexism that is rampant across this country! And then, I sent them on an epic journey that ended in the loss of their innocence through the elaborately-orchestrated murder of a “Sharptooth” (that’s basically like the n-word for a T-Rex). Then they found the beautiful, peaceful, well-nurtured Great Valley, which represented, you guessed it! Death. Why do you think I reunited Littlefoot, the lead, with his grandparents? Because everyone knows that you’re greeted at The Pearly Gates by your grandparents. That’s why we have grandparents.

But, being the skeptic that I am, I figured that people wouldn’t get it. Which is why I pushed for them to cast this adorable little girl, Judith Barsi, as the voice of Ducky. She was perfect and beautiful and only ten years old. She was also emotionally and physically abused by her alcoholic father, who killed her and her mother in a murder-suicide four months before the movie was released. So she never even got to see what she helped create! I mean, the murder-suicide was a bonus, I never thought that would happen, but I figured at least the abuse would reach some tabloid and then people would get it. We’re humans! All we do is take the beautiful things in the world and destroy them until they’re almost completely unrecognizable. Just look at this poor, battered little girl. And then they would think about the movie more and just get it. But no, they just thought, “Wow that Don Bluth guy sure makes adorable children’s movies.”

I thought I finally had it this time, though. Elmo’s World. Fifteen minutes a day just for my vision. I was in charge. No Spielberg or Lucas coming in and deleting scenes for being “too graphic and frightening for children.”

Yep, yesterday was the big day! Elmo’s World premiered. I chose the topic so carefully. Dancing. About the most joyful, exuberant act there is. Nothing but pure, unchecked happiness. So I took that, right? And I had Elmo explore it all over the world. Different types of happy, happy dancing everywhere. But clearly the world is a dark, dismal, awful, worthless place despite all the dancing. Everyone knows that, sure as they know that Elmo’s white fur had been died red with the blood of his enemies. (Because, like most humans, he’s horrifically violent at his core.)

So clearly, when you see people dancing all throughout this hate-filled, disgusting, useless world what do you realize? Obviously, you realize, with sudden and horror-inducing intensity, the complete and utter futility of joy.

But, no. Everyone just said how “adorable” Elmo was while he was dancing. How adorable would it be if he were dancing over the corpses of your friends and family? Would he still be adorable then? I didn’t think so.

Love,

Judy