TG: Hi, Danielle, so nice to meet you. I’m so glad you were able to speak with me today about beach reads. I know your favorite are historical romance novels?

D: Why, yes, milady. I do quite enjoy a leisurely afternoon in the sands with a fine novel.

TG: Ummm, you don’t have to call me that. I mean, I like to think that in my group of friends my role is “The Classy One” but milady might be taking it a bit too far.

D: (Whispering) Oh are you playing the role of the servant who I tell about all of my hidden feelings for the rakish duke?

TG: I’m playing the role of the modern day interviewer who plans to post this interview on her blog? On the internet? In a post-rakish duke society?

D: Boo, that’s no fun. You’re as bad as my ex-boyfriend!

TG: Yeah, exes are the worst. Boys are just dumb. What did this one do?

D: Well he was great at first. He wore period costume and everything. And man could he rip a bodice! Literally, I went through like 10 of those while we were together. He even whispered slightly offensive sweet nothings in my ear in a British accent. He was everything that a wicked Earl posing as a stable boy to hide from his father’s pressure to settle down and stop messing around in brothels who then falls under the spell of a sassy countess who refuses to play by the rules of court life (that’s me) should be. It was magical.

TG: Sounds, um, like he was a really good sport. So what happened?

D: Well one day we were at the Renaissance Fair and a knight’s erstwhile glance lingered too long on my bosom. And then Thomas, my ex, refused to fight him! It was like he didn’t even care that my honor had been completely besmirched by this ruffian who had no respect for the milky white expanse of my heaving chest. It was absurd!

TG: So you wanted him to physically assault a stranger for your honor? Wouldn’t he get arrested?

D: As if anyone would dare arrest the great Earl of Nottingham! As if anyone could lay a hand on his taut, quivering forearms, sculpted by hours of hard labor in the stable. Much less get past his deadly blade.

TG: Thomas knew how to sword fight? That’s pretty impressive.

D: (Whispering) Not really. He worked in IT. I’m pretty sure his forearms were only sculpted because I was his first real girlfriend. If you know what I mean…

TG: Ew.

D: But, yes, Thomas turned out to be quite the disappointment. But it is the heart that has been broken and turned away from love that is ripest to be plucked through the sheer physical sexiness of a Fabio lookalike, is it not?

TG: Umm, I guess? So back to romance novels. You primarily read historical romance novels, right? What do you like about them so much?

D: The realism. Although they lived in different times, the human heart and strong male body were the same then as they are now.

TG: So you think that the depiction of love in romance novels is pretty accurate?

D: Of course! Love, love is unsheathing your literal sword to fight off highwaymen and rapists and then unsheathing your metaphorical, quivering sword to fight off the loneliness. It’s talking about your enraptured soul and how you are my heart and my sky and it’s a rake breaking down and becoming an honorable man as he explains the deep pain that caused him to look for love in brothels. It’s a woman, beautiful but too sassy for her time who finds a man whose shirt mysteriously goes missing and whose back muscles ripple in the morning sun. Also, it’s not being afraid to use the term “quivering member.”

TG: Have you been able to find this kind of “quivering member” love yet?

D: I thought I had found it with Thomas, but alas! The greatest loves can fall so far so fast!

TG: What about other guys? He can’t be the only one?

D: Well, no. There was Brian, who actually laughed in my face when I told him to unsheathe his sword. Ruffian jerk. And then there was Jake who refused to wear the breeches I provided him. And how could I forget Noah, who had an irrational fear of bodices and refused to get anywhere near me while I was wearing mine?

TG: An irrational fear of bodices? Is that a thing?

D: (Shrug) Apparently his mom’s a big historical romance fan, too and he tried it on when he was little. His brother pulled the stays too tight and he couldn’t get out or breath very well. Historical romance is not for the faint of heart, I’m afraid.

TG: Apparently not. You’ve certainly scared me away. Any final thoughts before we finish up.

D: Only, to my future duke, count, earl, or even prince, I’m waiting for you! A rake you will not forever remain, because one day I will open your heart with my body.

TG: That’s gross. But thanks for taking the time to talk to me today, Danielle. It’s been very illuminating.

Ah, Cupid. Our favorite Greek god of erotic love, desire, and affection. With Valentine’s Day (Or for us single ladies, Galentine’s Day – thank you, Leslie Knope!) quickly approaching,  we at The Gabbler thought it appropriate to interview Cupid on modern love, online dating, and his perfect V-Day date. Note to readers: Beware of Cupid’s stray arrows. We weren’t so lucky.

The Gabbler: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Cupid! I know it’s a little early for Valentine’s Day, but at the rate CVS is going, Valentine’s Day falls on January 2^nd these days, anyway.

Cupid: I couldn’t agree more. It’s given me a lot of anxiety. Much less time to sharpen my arrows. Why can’t humans just live in the moment, instead of always pushing for what’s next?

TG: Sorry, man. To err is human, right? We’re not perfect deities like you.

C: Like I should be getting royalties on quite a few Hallmark commercials, for one. Who can I talk to about that? But besides that? I mean the concept behind it is sweet, and it’s nice to have a holiday to celebrate romantic and erotic love, but I think it’s a classic case of materialism and media hype ruining a perfectly great tradition. God, I think this string is loose on my bow. Can you pass me one of my arrows?

TG: (Slumps over into love spell, then slowly opens her eyes.) I, uh, never thought about that. Yeah, she’d be a pretty shitty mom, then. But wait, I thought you were like one of those “primordial gods” – who basically just popped out of nowhere, right? Did I ever tell you your eyes are like warm pools of amber?

C: No, you didn’t. And that depends on whether you’re reading the Greek version or the Roman version. I still think of Aphrodite/Venus as my mom.

TG: Well, they are. I just can’t stop staring into your eyes. I have this sudden urge to strip totally naked and swim in them.

C: Let’s, er, hold off on that for now, please. Damn, I need to get better about my aim!

TG: (Giggles, and blinks repeatedly.) So Cupid, how do you define modern love?

TG: No, like actual modern love. As in love in modern times. Do you really believe in love at first sight? Because I think I do now.

C: It’s usually lust at first sight, not love. It’ll pass.

TG: Lust, love. You need lust for love. Let’s make love. What do you say?

C: Er, back to your question: I find love in the modern era to be complicated. And it’s lost a lot of its mystery. A lot of that I blame on social media and cell phones. Before those things, there was time between seeing or hearing from each other that allowed for anticipation and longing. Now, it’s so instant. Plus, there were a lot more steamy affairs. Now everyone tweets pictures of their dicks, and people tend to find out.

TG: That’s just Anthony Weiner. Most people are smart enough to use Snapchat nowadays. How are things with Psyche, by the way? Is that still going on? Or are you single?

C: Oh yeah, we’re great. Very much a couple. I’m very much taken. I finally admitted that refusing to turn the lights on was a manifestation of my own insecurity, and we got over that initial hiccup. Zeus made her immortal, and it’s all good. We even have a little baby goddess, Hedone.

TG: Congrats. (Sighs deeply.) I already knew that, though. I follow you on Instagram, and you post like a million baby pics a day.

TG: God, you’re adorable. What a loving father. There’s nothing sexier than a man who’s good with kids.

C: Let’s talk about something else, please.

TG: Okay, okay. So tell me about OkCupid. What made you decide to invest in online dating?

TG: You know, if we were on Tinder right now, I’d be the nearest warm body.

C: But we aren’t, are we?

TG: I mean, I could log on right now…

C: We’re in the middle of an interview. That’s a bit rude, don’t you think?

TG: Okay, okay. Be coy about it. I like coy. So what’s your idea of a perfect Valentine’s Day date?

TG: I love you.

C: Listen, you don’t! There was a bit of a mix up with my arrow; my bowstring was loose, and a stray one sort of hit you in the noggin. I was the first thing you saw. You don’t love me. NOW SNAP OUT OF IT!

TG: But I’d do anything for you. I want you to have me in this interview chair, right here, right now. (Stands up and starts to walk over to him.)

C: Oh, look at that! Emergency call. Jay-Z and Beyonce just had a tiff, and he needs me to shoot an arrow or two. I’ve got to go. You don’t want to be responsible for breaking them up, do you?

TG: (Sighs.) No, they were too cute at the Grammys.

C: Exactly. You have to let me go. As in, physically unhand me, please!

 TG: Oh. Sorry.

C: (Flies away.)

TG: WAIT! BUT I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?

“Oh, you’re from Texas? I have this thing for cowboys. But only because of some pretty intense erotica I’ve been reading lately.”

“Hast thou not heard, my fair gentleman, that today marketh Talk Like Shakespeare Day?”

“I love your eyes. The gold flecks make them look like Edward Cullen’s after he feeds. Do you want to be the “lion who fell in love with the lamb?” You know, like that Twilight quote?”

“Confession: I may have created an imaginary Facebook account impersonating your aunt and friended you a few days ago. And can I just say, your college graduation photo with your mom from like, 2008, is adorable!”

“I always wanted my first time to be with a redhead.”

“I’ve told my mom ALL about you.”

“Is it okay if I Live Blog our date?”

“Have you ever done it in a PortaPotty?”

“I love that neighborhood! I’m hoping to move there as soon as my restraining order is lifted.”

“Yeah, my last girlfriend was obsessed with giving me blow jobs.”

“What do you think our kids would look like? I hope they have your eyes, and my cheekbones!”

“So, would you say you’re more of a Dom, or a Sub?”

The Gabbler: Thank you so much for meeting with me tonight, Sophia!

Sophia Richardson: Well, it’s Friday. Date night. Not like I had much going on.

TG: Well, yeah. You’re single. That’s what we’re here to talk about!

SR: Yes, I’m single, okay? It’s been like a year. A very bad year.

TG: Oh, so things aren’t going that well? I mean, when your friend Victoria suggested I interview you, she described you as “a single girl who has it all—a beautiful, low rent apartment, a great job, adoring friends.” What’s changed since then?

SR: Oh, that stuff. That’s still the same. I mean, sure, I guess my apartment is nice and all. We have a backyard for barbecues and stuff. And my roommate’s an interior decorator so the whole thing looks just like it’s straight out of Pinterest. And like, sure I love my job and my whole office is so cool and my boss has been hinting about a promotion and stuff. And, sure, my friends are, like, totally amazing and fun but supportive and blah, blah, blah.

TG: But?

SR: But I’m STILL SINGLE. Duh.

TG: Yeah, no, I got that single thing. It’s kind of why I’m interviewing you. But, it’s awesome, though, right? I mean, sure relationships are fun and whatever, but it’s nice to just take a step back and focus on yourself, right? Especially at this young age, you can become the person you want to be without worrying about how it’s going to affect anyone else.

SR: The person I want to be is a girlfriend. And maybe one day a fiancée and even possibly a wife and mother, if I can forget about that child birth video they showed me in 8^th grade health class.

TG: But, don’t you have ambitions and stuff? You said you love your job, aren’t you hoping to have a career in the publishing industry?

SR: Well, duh. I’m a MODERN WOMAN. I can WORK and have a boyfriend at the same time. I don’t, like, expect him to support me and stuff. Just to, like, be in a relationship with me on Facebook and go with me as my date to weddings and couple parties. And, oooo, maybe we could double date with a few of my friends and their boyfriends!

TG: Sounds, ummmm, very romantic.

SR: Listen, you’re single, too, right?

TG: At the moment, yes.

SR: So you get it. It’s, like, totally embarrassing to be the ONLY one in your social circle who’s still single. I mean, they all ask you questions about whether or not you’ve met anyone. And they all have someone to carry their wallet and lipstick at parties, so they don’t even need to lug around these giant purses. It’s like, yes, look at my huge purse, I AM still single, I get it.

TG: So you want a boyfriend so that you can gossip with your friends about him? And so that you don’t have to carry a purse when you go to parties?

SR: Well, yeah. What else are they good for?

TG: Love? Companionship? Even just sex?

SR: Oh, whatever. I get LAID, okay? That’s not a problem. I can get it when I need it. And as far as love and companionship go, I’m good. My friends are amazing and totally supportive and I have an awesome family and stuff. So I’m not short on love.

TG: But, you know, romantic love.

SR: Well, yeah, of course, you know, that would be nice. All that rom com all consuming, never ending soul mate stuff sounds nice. Would I love to look into a boy’s eyes and see my forever shining back at me? Of course. But I’m young and if I’ve learned one thing from watching Carrie chase Big for six seasons of Sex and the City, it’s that you can’t hurry or push for or plan that kind of love.  But you can have really cool boyfriends while you wait around for it to happen. Like Berger, the writer. Or that artist, Alexander Petrovsky. Romantic love can’t be a goal, it has to be a cosmic event. But a boyfriend, a boyfriend is something you can push and plan and work for. Also, people are much more likely to tolerate whining if it’s just about being single than if it’s about not having scrounged up a soul mate by 25.

TG: So, what is your end goal with this whole boyfriend thing?

SR: Ugh, how don’t you get this if you’re single, too? YOU KNOW.

TG: No, I really don’t.

SR: You’re really going to make me say it, huh? So much for Single Girl Code.

TG: Is Single Girl Code a thing?

SR: Ummm, it has to be. We don’t have men to protect us, so we need to protect each other.

TG: Okay, listen, I don’t need a man to protect me. I definitely don’t need the protection of some little snot-nosed Editorial Assistant who can’t even see how amazing her life is.

SR: Well, someone’s cranky. Okay, listen, let me just clue you in. Boyfriends, they’re not like people, okay? They’re like accessories. It’s like, who wants to spend a month’s paycheck on an ugly designer handbag when you can just wear a cute graphic designer, you know?

TG: So to you a boyfriend is basically a form of social capital? A way to show your value to the group?

SR: EXACTLY. I mean, do you know how embarrassing it is to show up to a New Years’ party alone? Or go to a wedding dateless?

TG: Yeah, I’ve done both of those things. It was really fun, actually!

SR: Fun? How can it be fun when everyone’s staring at you like you’re a leper? Like, “poor little Sophia. Alone still.”

TG: So why don’t you just pick someone? You say you got laid. I assume you date a bit. Have you tried OK Cupid? Or even Match.com or EHarmony?

SR: I do date. And I’m on OK Cupid, which is exhausting by the way. How can there be SO MANY totally desperate guys all on one website? It’s like, stop messaging me. I’ll answer you if you’re cute enough. And guess what, you’re not cute enough, so move on.

TG: And you still haven’t found a boyfriend?

SR: Well I don’t just want a boyfriend who’s like the equivalent of a purse that you found on the 80% off rack at Target. I want, like, what’s a good designer? Like the Chanel or Prada or whatever of boyfriends. He has to be cute and funny and employed in a well-paying but slightly artsy profession. And, lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe he should be a libertarian. I mean, everyone has a boyfriend who’s liberal or progressive or whatever. And I could NEVER date a Republican, could you imagine the looks I would get? But libertarian is a little bit funky, you know. Like Ron Paul but hot and young and holding my lip gloss for me.

TG: With criteria and motives like that it’s crazy that you’re still single.

SR: I know, right? But seriously, do you know anyone? Single? Libertarian? Artsy but employed and well-paid?

TG: I do not. So, really, is that really all you want from a boyfriend? You mentioned earlier wanting to be a wife and mother one day. Is there a chance that all of this rush to find a boyfriend is just the slow ticking of your biological clock?

SR: Okay, seriously, have you been talking to my mother? I swear to God, if ONE MORE PERSON starts bugging me to “meet a nice man and settle down and have some babies” I will go INSANE. Did I not mention that my apartment looks like it’s straight out of Pinterest? Do you THINK I want a man moving in and messing that up by getting all his male body hair all over everything? And my career, which I love and is just getting started and a million other people would LOVE to have, does that seem like something I can put on hold for a wedding or a honeymoon or BABIES?

TG: So, wait, wait, wait. Your motivation in finding a boyfriend has nothing to do with wanting to settle down, get married, have babies?

SR: Ohmygod, of course not! Are you insane? Have you been listening to anything I’ve said? Why would I want the FATHER OF MY CHILDREN to be some flashy designer handbag boyfriend? Do you honestly think that I want my children to be raised by a LIBERTARIAN just because it’s trendy in 2013? Can you imagine? “Oh, sure, son, you smoke that pot! Neither your mother, the government, nor myself have the right to tell you not to.” Gross. No, no, no. This boyfriend that I’m searching for is just Mr. 2013. He needs to look good on me for now, not for forever. I’ll worry about all that falling in love and settling down stuff when I’m, like, 29.

TG: Just out of curiosity, what kind of handbag boyfriend would be the type you settle down with?

SR: The kind of boyfriend you settle down with isn’t a handbag. You marry a person, not an accessory, duh! I mean, not to reference Sex and the City again, but Miranda didn’t settle down with some high powered attorney or whatever. She picked a bartender, because he spoke to her heart in a way that no one else could. Because he was a person, not just something shiny to bring along to an event.

TG: Okay, that almost makes sense, I guess. Well, thanks so much for speaking with me today and enlightening me about exactly what I should be looking for in a boyfriend.