Lately, the Federal government has sought to assure Americans that its intelligence and spy agencies have strong congressional oversight. However, a recent incident involving the C.I.A. allegedly impeding, intimidating, and even hacking the committee responsible for holding it accountable, suggests that the C.I.A. is also overseeing Congress.

Dear D.C. Tourist,

Welcome to our nation’s capital, home to the World’s Greatest Democracy! Unfortunately, our government, envied the world over for its ideals of freedom and justice, is having a minor shutdown due to Congress’s inability to pass a budget for the next fiscal year.

For you, this means your trip to D.C. will be a unique one! First, all non-essential services, like national museums, monuments, and Washington D.C. garbage pick-up, will be suspended for the entirety of the shutdown. Second, expect large crowds at all open businesses, as millions of non-essential government workers are enjoying a nice vacation as a result of the shutdown.

To enhance your stay, here are a few things to keep in mind as you enjoy our incredible city and democracy during a government shutdown.

1. Come shutdown’s opening days! Once the garbage overtakes the streets, we can’t guarantee pedestrian safety. And no one from the Center for Disease control is around to help you identify which strain of rabies the raccoons gave you.
2. Even open air monuments will be closed. Seriously, step away from Mr. Lincoln. The National Guard is still on the payroll and we’re not afraid to use them.
3. We’re still happy to take your money! Free enterprise doesn’t buckle to government pressure! Feel free to enjoy our privately owned museums, like the Newseum and the National Geographic Museum while you’re here. Perhaps the Newseum will have an explanation for the Fox News bizarre reports that House Democrats are the ones refusing to negotiate the budget.
4. Government shutdowns bring a certain electricity to the air, so maybe use all your free time away from the museums and monuments to meet that special someone With nothing really open, you’ll mostly be at hotels, and all that sexy political talk about elected officials shrinking responsibilities for crimes of passion should make for some rough and dirty hotel room loving. Remember, Bill Clinton met Monica Lewinsky during the last shutdown.
5. Don’t worry, our Congress is still hard at work and getting paid throughout the shutdown, so they’ll probably figure out things soon! After all, passing a budget is literally their ONLY Constitutionally mandated annual duty.

We apologize for the smell and the loss of the Smithsonian panda cam, but you’ll learn so much about the inner workings of our great democracy, which has existed as the world’s leading example of compromise between opposing parties for the sake of representative governance. Our nation’s capital is still proud to serve as a beacon of hope for America’s constituents, who bask in freedom and liberty, knowing their best interests are always well-represented by Congress.

Please feel free to discuss any issues or concerns you have with your travel companion, as most other helpful resources are likely to be deemed nonessential and furloughed for the entirety of the shutdown.

We hope you enjoy your time here in our amazing capital!

Over a crisp, icy bottle of Cuvee and two dozen oysters on the half shell with champagne and shallot mignonette, Cantor and the senators discussed how food stamp use among Americans has spiraled completely out of control in the past few years, with 27 million users in 2007 to nearly 48 million in 2013.

“While the bleeding-hearts insist that the spike may be due to this so-called ‘recession,’” said Cantor, before pausing to take a bite of his Scottish wild-caught smoked salmon and organic watercress with shaved cucumber salad, “I have to say that providing a crutch for laziness and perpetuating a welfare state just isn’t helping anyone!”

As the soup course was served (a chilled melon and smoked scallop soup with drizzled chili oil, to be exact), Cantor explained that a single adult with no disability or children can apply for and get roughly $150 a month towards food stamps in the D.C. area alone.

“That’s $5 a day! Hell, he can order a Starbucks latte in the morning with that kind of money! Only a tall of course – but still.”

Over the fifth course of seared local duck confit with a balsamic cherry reduction over a bed of frisée and crushed pistachios, the congressmen discussed the reasons why there should be limitations on perfectly capable able-bodied Americans across the country for receiving food stamps.

“Single mothers act like they’re so helpless, but if they’re chasing around after three kids, there’s no way they’re not building muscle,” said Cantor, dipping a slice of duck into the cherry glaze. “Babies are heavy! And if they can lift babies, they can definitely get a decent manual labor position.”

As they finished up the cheese course (a brie de chèvre, Epoisses, and a firm Ossau Iraty) and waited for the pot de créme and their fourth bottle of wine, the senators appeared to grow more and more agreeable.

“So, can I count on your vote on this?” asked Cantor. “Oh, and let’s make that five glasses of the Macallan 18, right?”

 In the past few months, Congress has been unable to come to a decision on key bills, such as the fiscal cliff and gun control reforms, among others. As a result, there has been much discussion as to whether or not the institution really is, in fact, impotent.

 But on Wednesday, the Speaker of the House, John Boehmer, addressed the matter head on.

 “This isn’t easy for us to admit,” said Boehmer. “But we do have a problem here in Congress, and we need to address it. And if all it takes is a little blue pill to help get the job done, we are ready for it. I can’t tell you how incredibly frustrated we’ve all been.”

 It is the hope of Congress, according to Boehmer, that Viagra will really help them “get ‘er done” with regards to settling on an immigration reform bill that is appealing to both Democrats and Republicans.

 Some medical experts, however, are concerned that Viagra alone may not suffice for Congress.

 “Viagra works as a prescription medication only if all of the necessary appendages are present, so to speak,” said Dr. David Wallace, urologist, in an exclusive interview withThe Gabbler. “I can’t be sure, but there is widespread concern over whether Congress actually has any balls to begin with.”

 Fortunately, Congress is covered by Obama’s Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, so its Viagra prescription and other medical expenses will be taken care of in full.

———

POINT

So now Americans hate Congress more than cockroaches? That shit is fucking crazy. Here’s the deal: I guarantee you that half of the respondents to that poll haven’t seen a cockroach in their entire miserable fucking lives. Because if they had faced the six legged demon and come out the other side they would NEVER claim to prefer cockroaches to fucking Congress.

I mean sure, I get it. Congress can’t do their jobs. They’re too busy bickering to avoid throwing America off the fiscal cliff. They’re going to destroy an already faltering economy and drive our government into default. We’re just so fucking scared for our country’s future. Boo fucking hoo. Do I need to call you a wahambulance?

Do you want to know real terror? Real terror isn’t some namby pamby fucking fiscal cliff. Real terror is waking up at 5AM to the sound of a rustling by your ear, turning on your bedside light and seeing a cockroach streaking up your wall, that twitchy little fucker heading for its hiding place in your closet. Real terror is knowing that you blew your one shot to kill the beast once and for all because that fucker is fast, man, and he is long gone. Real terror is sleeping with your light on so that he doesn’t come out of hiding and crawl into your mouth (Disclaimer: I have no scientific evidence to prove that cockroaches actually crawl into the mouths of sleeping humans, but once that idea’s in your head, trust me, it’s not going anywhere).

And then you look at the infighting in Congress and everyone is all disgusted. “Oh gross, look at them refusing to work together! What are they 12? Their behavior is so squalid and low brow!” As if immaturity is the be all and end all of disgust. I mean, what do you want? Professional adults who actually work for their pay? Have you MET your fellow countrymen?

But you want to know what’s really disgusting? Finding cockroach shit on your kitchen counters. That’s right folks, cockroaches shit on my counters, on my stovetops, in my cabinets, anywhere they find themselves crawling and need to let loose. I don’t see anyone from Congress shitting on my counters. In fact, some of the Republicans in Congress seem so uptight I bet they haven’t taken a good dump in years. Unlike the fucking cockroaches that live in my apartment.

And if shitting where I prepare my food weren’t enough to convince you, I’d like to share this little tidbit from Wikipedia:

“The odorous secretions of American cockroaches can alter the flavor of food.”

Just say this with me and try NOT to throw up: odorous secretions. In your fucking food.

The point is, I could write a fucking book about the fucking high jinks that cockroaches pull. At night. When you’re asleep and vulnerable. Because they’re nocturnal. They are so much fucking worse than Congress it’s not even funny. Sure, you might say, “Hey bud, if Congress could get their shit together and stop fucking up this country over petty political feuds, couldn’t the economy improve, allowing you to get a better job and maybe move out of the cockroach-infested apartment where you live? Or at the very least, allowing you to pay for an exterminator?” But that shit’s fucking ridiculous. You can’t lay the cockroaches’ misbehavior at Congress’s feet.

Plus, Congress has started to get their shit together, I hear. Something about actually starting to agree on immigration reform. And you know what, man, at least when Congress gets their shit together, it’s to work for a better country. When cockroaches get their shit together, it’ll be to take over the fucking earth and eat all of us humans for fucking lunch. The worst Congress can offer is inaction and inaction in a fucking cockroach is golden. They’re easier to kill when they’re not moving, anyway.

———

COUNTERPOINT

I have to admit that when I heard about the comparison between cockroaches and Congress, I laughed aloud – something I rarely do. Of course Congress rates lower than cockroaches, you fools.

There’s a reason why this study was conducted in the first place. Congress is a bloated, greedy, shallow pool of fecal matter. What’s worse, it’s stagnant. Sure, maybe an “idealistic” new shit drops in every four years, but if his mind hasn’t already been polluted by lobbyists, corporate greed, and honoring The Party above all else, I give it a week.

The fact is, people only fear and abhor cockroaches because they don’t understand them. I’d argue that a cockroach is fascinating, even elegant. Have you ever truly listened to the sounds of a Periplaneta americana as it scuttles across a floorboard? Have you observed its sleek, auburn pronotal shield as it pauses to eat decaying organic matter? Or the spread of its gossamer wings in flight? There’s a reason Kafka dedicated an entire novella to pontificate on its dark, twisted beauty in spite of its societal alienation. Some of us can understand what it’s like to be misunderstood.

But, anyway: Congress. The fact is, Congress has a great deal of power, and for far too long, its members have abused it. It gives me great pleasure to hear that finally, people can pinpoint the true beasts, the creatures who actually deserve the term “ugly” or “wretched” or “abject vermin.” (Although a person who, upon stroking the golden bands of a Supella longipalpa, could call it anything other than “exquisite,” is frankly a person I could never understand.)

Just think of it. With a cockroach, sure, you may not how many are taking momentary shelter behind your bathroom mirror or under your stove, but at least you know that a cockroach will always be a cockroach. A cockroach is who it is, regardless of whether or not people judge, debase, or persecute them. And I respect that. But with Congress, we have no idea where our congressmens’ loyalties really lie. We are fed a whole lot of rhetoric about hope, dreams, equality, and democracy, but when push comes to shove, our votes are in their sticky, slimy hands.

Let’s examine, if you will, the filibuster. The fact that it is legal for a member of Congress to indefinitely delay a bill whose outcome may affect millions of people is to me, a perfect example of why a cockroach is vastly superior. Why? A cockroach is and has always been incredibly decisive. When it comes to thinking on one’s feet, I trust the roach. (He has six. Plus, eighteen knees! How intriguing, right?) Maybe you don’t support a cockroach’s decision to crawl into your mouth while you’re sleeping, but at least the cockroach didn’t spend months parked on your nose while he debated semantics. Plus, I’ve found their odorous secretions to be quite zesty on the tongue!

Perhaps cockroaches do feast on our beer, cheese, leather, glue, hair, or flakes of dried skin, but Congress feasts on something even dearer to our hearts than our own scalps – our tax dollars. So thank you America, for siding with the cockroach.

In conclusion, odorous secretions.

———

BALLPOINT

POINT written by Jessica Pierce & COUNTERPOINT written by Lisa  DeBenedictis

Hey doucheface,

Don’t you even know how to pick up a fucking phone? I’ve been calling you all night.

You know what this is about. Does the Sandy Relief Bill ring any bells? You know the one that would finally get my constituents the relief they need after months of waiting for Congress to get their shit together and actually do their fucking jobs? You know, the one that I had your every fucking assurance you would call to a vote and pass? The one you’re no longer calling to a vote.

You know what, though, bud? You might have spent the past twenty years building yourself a career in that pisshole we call the House, but let me make one thing clear: I WILL take you down. You don’t mess with Jersey, asshole.

You see, you fucked up here, pal. You had a BIPARTISAN bill ready to pass. That means you a fuckheads finally got your shit together long enough to actually accomplish something down there in D.C. That you actually pulled together to do your fucking job for once and to put the people over your stupid bullshit party loyalties. And you want to stop that from happening? You know, I kept my mouth shut while you and the Democrats fucked things up time and again just for the sake of not playing nice together. But this time, pal, it’s personal.

See, this is how it’s going to go down. I’m the red governor of a blue state, beloved the country over for speaking my mind, shooting off the cuff and telling it like it is. I’ve built myself a brand that lets me shit all over you and come out smelling like roses.

And you? You’re the head of Congress, a clearly defunct and incapable group of monkeys posing as men, unable to get even the simplest parts of their job done. America ALREADY hates you. You’ve built yourself a brand of failure, disappointment, and ineptitude. So trust me when I say, America is going to eat out of the palm of my hand and then vomit all over you.

See, I’m calling a press conference in response to your total failure to do shit. I don’t fucking care what reasons you gave and neither do the American people. I’m going to paint a picture of corruption and total ineptitude that slides right into place with that fiscal cliff disaster. And then I’ll act disgusted and superior and above all that D.C. garbage. And they will fucking eat it up, Boehner. They will eat it up. Just a Papa Bear protecting his cubs. Just a politician finally standing up and serving his constituents.

You watch it, because that’s just the start. I will destroy you. The band of merry thieves you’ve huddled around yourself in Congress? Gone. I will campaign like crazy for every non-incumbent in the coming primaries. And you? You can kiss the Speakership, your seat in Congress, all of it goodbye. They won’t even let you back in Ohio when I’m done with you.

So you better reconsider and pass that fucking bill and give my people the relief they need. Or else you’re going to be swimming with the fishes, politically speaking of course.

You’ve been warned, doucheface.

Christie

P.S. And if that isn’t enough to convince you, remember, I still have those pictures of flipping off Grover Norquist behind his back at the RNC and I’m not afraid to tweet them.