While we at The Gabbler are big fans of sarcasm and a good laugh at the expense of others, we don’t quite understand why so many people take to the anonymity of the web to post the sort of insults that are so wretched they can even provoke an emotional response from Mitt Romney. These creatures aren’t actually human: they’re grimy, pockmarked individuals known as “internet trolls.” And one of them made the grave mistake of meeting with us in person.

 

The Gabbler: Thank you so much for meeting with us today, Mr – uh – EatShitAndDie6969? Am I pronouncing that correctly? All one word?

Internet Troll: Yup. Can you handle that? Or are you as dumb as you are ugly?

G: I know you didn’t mean that, Mr. EatShitAndDie. And is that your real name?

IT: What, you want to be fucking Facebook friends? That is the name I have chosen for myself, and so EatShitandDie6969 is my true, sacred name: my internet username.

G: Great. (Pauses.) You know, you can come out from behind that chair. And take that mask off. And nix the voice synthesizer. I’m not going to–

IT: –Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you, you worthless waste of oxygen? You stupid, sad, little bitch. EXCLAMATION POINT! EXCLAMATION POINT! EXCLAMA–

G: –Woah, woah, woah! You just went zero to about 360 on me, EatShitAndDie! Can we back it up here for a second? Keep the mask on. It’s fine! Lets talk about why you became an internet troll.

IT: You’re father never loved you.

G: Seriously? Answer the question!

IT: Fine. I’ll just save my comments for your piece of shit blog. Ah-hem. An internet troll is not something you become. I was born a troll. I will die a troll. It is who I am.

G: So are you like a mythical creature-type troll? Or are we speaking figuratively?

IT: Ugh, you’re such a goddamn moron. I’m like a cross between a Harry Potter troll and a Lord of the Rings dwarf. A little bit shorter, a little more hair on my toes. You get the idea. The word “troll” when referring to my species, however, – internet troll – gets its name from the Old French troller, which means “to hunt,” of course.

G: Of course. And do you typically hang out around bridges still?

IT: Nah, mostly Reddit. Also any syndicated columnist posts. Twitter can be fun, but I find it a little restrictive. A few major news source sites, too, but most are all “regulating” their comments these days. Bunch of fucking fascist pussies. Hey, if you can’t take the heat, don’t fucking Tweet. Am I right?

G: But don’t you ever feel like you trolls might be taking it a bit far? What about the anti-Semitic comments, the racial slurs, the degrading remarks against women? Some trolls even cyber-stalk people. It’s really disturbing.

IT: But that’s the point, you useless piece of cum-guzzling garbage. We aim to provoke an emotional response: anger, frustration, sadness. It’s how we sustain ourselves.

G: What the—What the hell is your problem?

IT: My point, exactly. Our troll ancestors fed off human flesh. But that got old, and now there’s Seamless and GrubHub. This is the virtual age! We’ve replaced bridges with basements and clubs with cursors. It’s fantastic. And honestly, the thrill of the hunt in a virtual attack can be just as satisfying. Plus, with practically every stay-at-home mom with a half decent camera and too much free time starting a blog these days, lets just say there’s plenty of fresh meat to go around.

G: Okay, well what about the legislation in Great Britain that has put several internet trolls behind bars for defamation?

IT: The Brits always were a bunch of stuck up pussies.

IT: You have to admit, though, that YouTube video he made was pretty funny: “Tasha the Tank Engine.” Priceless!

G: You’re a fucking monster, man.

IT: No, I’m a troll. And I just want to know: do you support freedom of speech? Does the phrase: “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,” actually mean anything to you?

G: Well, yeah—

IT: –Good. You’re not a completely worthless cunt rag.