“Listen, we probably should have planned better,” a spokeswoman said at a poorly attended press conference today. “We knew the How I Met Your Mother series finale was the same day as the official deadline, so the competition for the media’s attention was already pretty stiff. But how could we have predicted the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines flight 370? Or that adorable new picture of Prince George? It had a dog and a baby. We stood no chance.”

Although an estimated 9.7 million previously uninsured Americans now have healthcare coverage because of the Affordable Care Act, very few people have noticed that Monday, March 31^st was the deadline to enroll. The news media has given little coverage to the deadline, instead focusing on MH370, the 2016 election, and the misreported death of soccer legend Pelé.

“We were honestly a little worried when that plane went missing,” said the spokeswoman, “but we figured what was more mysterious than trying to fill out an online application written by a government bureaucracy? That has to be a little bit more difficult to figure out than the location of a giant jet liner, right?”

The Obama administration has yet to set a definitive date for the next deadline, saying that “it’s hard to tell when the next ‘French Bulldog Can’t Roll Over’ video will come out and steal [their] thunder.”

“We’re hoping for a lull after the World Cup,” the spokeswoman said, “but who knows, Hillary might start a juice cleanse or something and ruin everything all over again.”

“This is a perfect compromise,” said Republican Senator Ted Cruz, handing out signed copies of Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham to a gaggle of celebrating Tea Party supporters. “It allows us to tell voters we repealed the job-killing socialist scourge that is Obamacare, without touching the free market foundation of the ACA, which in truth we all know will be good for the well-being of both the economy and our constituents.”

The compromise came following a recent CNBC poll, which found a discrepancy between Americans’ support for Obamacare versus the Affordable Care Act, with some opposing the bill when referred to by its nickname, but not by the original title of the bill.

“I just don’t agree with the whole Obamacare policy thing that’s going on, I just don’t agree with it,” said a pedestrian interviewed by Jimmy Kimmel, after declaring her support for the Affordable Care Act.

-QUIT SMOKING (I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…).

-Finally beat Michelle in a push up contest.

-Ask Boehner out for that beer. (Play it cool, man, you’re just a guy asking a guy out for a drink.)

-Get the Secret Service to creep out that boy who Malia claims is “just a friend.”

-Wake THE HELL UP  and deal with DREAM Act.

-Figure out if I should keep using Drones (maybe ask John McCain?).

-Don’t cry when Hillary leaves me.

-But maybe actually finish putting together my cabinet.

-Get Biden back for that toilet saran wrap practical joke (note: call in Clooney if needed).

-Cultivate rock star image (idea: start band with Christie, call it The Executive Branch, or even better, The Bipartisans).

-Get America back to work! (Note: actually figure out HOW to get America back to work first.)

-Decrease devastating national tragedies by at least 25% in coming year, possibly through gun control?

-Learn what the hell a One Direction is and why Sasha is so into it.

-Maybe check in on that whole Affordable Care Act business and see how it’s progressing?

-Finally read How to Win Friends and Influence People and use new found knowledge to actually work with Congress.

-Capitalize on Bo’s Christmas decoration fame (maybe a Purina commercial or two?).

-Pick up the broken pieces of the economy after we fall over the fiscal cliff.

-Isn’t it about time for a second Nobel Peace Prize?

The Supreme Court has this clever little system in which, whenever we come to a decision, we write up our opinion to be bound and saved for all time, so that the whole world and all of posterity can understand the precise reasons for our decision. The case of National Federation of Independent Businesses v. Sebelius was not any different. I worked with my clerk for hours, for days, for nights on end precisely wording the opinion so that everyone in America would not only understand why I decided what I decided but, for once and for all, they would understand that the Supreme Court is not a partisan entity. That whatever cockananny idea your elected officials come up with, I have to say it’s okay as long as it’s within the realm of the Constitution. Think of it this way: the Constitution is like the laws of physics and America is like one giant amusement park. If you elect people who are going to use their power to create the Kingda Ka of health care legislation, then you’re going to have to live with the terrifying consequences, because just like Kingda Ka follows the laws of physics, the Affordable Care Act follows the laws of the Constitution. Simple as that.

But carefully explaining your reasoning isn’t good enough for some people, who shall remain anonymous for the purposes of this story, especially if you changed your mind halfway through the reasoning process (just think how scandalous: a judge taking time to carefully deliberate and review the full case before making up his mind!). So to appease all of those tittering, anonymous men and women, here’s a full, honest rundown of the background drama emphasized so strongly by the media. I think, by the end, it should be pretty clear that these petty, backroom dramas had little to no effect on the actual ruling.

Our story starts during a weekly Justices Night Out. This week the planning had fallen on me and as I had an inexplicable craving for unlimited minestrone-soaked breadsticks, I chose the only logical location: The Olive Garden. I sent out a friendly evite, complete with the animation of a dancing penguin eating a breadstick. It was adorable. Still, after arriving at The Olive Garden out in Falls Church, Virginia, and waiting a good breadstick-less half hour Justices Scalia and Kennedy still had not arrived. All six of the other justices had arrived soon after I did; even the chronically late Justice Ginsburg was there on time. Finally, after several calls, emails, and texts went unheeded, we were forced to order. I had several bowls of delicious minestrone soup followed by an impeccable dish of spaghetti and meatballs with four cheese sauce. It was a truly lovely evening, all things considered.

Still, the next day there was some tension around the court. Following our morning session, I approached Justice Scalia and asked him why he had missed out on the delightful evening I had planned. He grumbled something incoherent and walked passed me, but Justice Kennedy wasn’t so quick to dismiss the problem.

“The Olive Garden, John, really? You don’t think that’s offensive? You know, adding ‘al forno’ to the end of ‘four cheese ziti’ doesn’t make it real Italian food,” Justice Kennedy told me over lunch that day.

He then proceeded to tell me how he and Justice Scalia had skipped my “Justices Night Out” in favor of going to karaoke at an Applebees. And that Justices Thomas and Alito had joined them after my dinner and even ordered boneless buffalo wings so that they could “get some real food in their stomachs.” It was beyond insulting. And I, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America, wasn’t going to have any of it.

That’s about the time when an all-out war broke out between the justices and I found myself, oddly enough, allied with Justices Kagan, Sotomayor, Breyer, and Ginsburg. Justice Breyer was fast to point out that, for someone so caught up on the authenticity of his food, Justice Scalia had an awful lot of Taco Bell containers in his garbage. Meanwhile, Justice Kennedy was starting to spread rumors amongst the clerks that I was planning on upholding the Affordable Care Act just because I didn’t want to look bad in front of the American people. As if, Kennedy! My job is guaranteed for life. I don’t need to impress anyone.

Things got pretty heated after a while and eventually, Kennedy and I had it out. It was pretty frightening. He just kept yelling that “endless breadsticks were not worth shitting all over poor Scalia’s heritage,” like a crazy person. Did he even know how much planning went into that night? How hard I had to work to make it fun for everyone? It’s not that easy to find an animated penguin evite. That took a lot of Googling. And then he plans an alternate Boys Night Out at an Applebees, ruining my carefully planned evening and then starts spreading rumors about how I was going to decide on the Affordable Care Act case? Especially when he was the one who everyone thought would turn liberal and uphold it? It was over and I needed him to know it, I needed to find a really tangible way to completely rupture ties with him and Justices Scalia, Thomas, and Alito. I needed to uphold the constitutionality of the individual mandate.

Not that that’s why I did it. Like I said, your elected officials are the ones who came up with this idea. And I can’t be held responsible if they use the power you have given them to create a completely constitutional mandate that forces you to buy health insurance. Read the slip opinion, it’s all there.