Canada Adjustment Syndrome (kænədə əˈdʒʌstmənt sɪndroʊm): an inability to adjust to the Canadian political culture after fleeing to the country in protest of President Obama’s victory. “I just moved to fucking Toronto and found out they already have universal healthcare and they all believe in global warming. What the hell, man?!” “Calm down, I think you’re suffering from Canada Adjustment Syndrome.”

Post-Election Man Date (poʊst ɪˈlɛkʃən mæn deɪt): An Obama/Biden tradition in which, on the day following the election, the two spend the day “just being boys.” This year’s Post-Election Man Date included the usual hour at the batting cages, but was then extended to include some ice cream and a trip to Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo.

the_gabbler: Hi, Citizens Party. Thanks for chatting with me today.

YourCitizensParty: Thank YOU. How are you today? Comfortable? Can I get you anything?

the_gabbler: Ummm, we’re chatting online, so I don’t think you can. But thank you, I’m just fine.

YourCitizensParty: Okay, I was just checking. You know, your opinion and comfort are important to me. They’re the most important part of any democracy, really: the Opinions and Comfort of its citizens. You are a citizen, right?

the_gabbler: I am, I am. Anyway, I have a few questions for you. First, could you just explain to me the basic philosophy of the Citizens Party? What distinguishes you from the two major parties?

YourCitizensParty: Well, the Citizens Party is like the salad bar of political parties. YOU decide the toppings, not some established restaurant with ties to Super PACS and lobbies. So our members decide our platform, decide what questions all of our presidential candidates need to answer before they can get elected, what color ties they have to wear to the debates, basically you decide everything.

the_gabbler: And what have you decided is to focus on in the 2012 election?

YourCitizensParty: Well, I’ve decided nothing, duh! The Citizens Party itself doesn’t decide anything. I just tally online surveys, social media hits, basically any voices that are out there calling in the void, begging for better representation than that Mittens guy or the Obamanator.

the_gabbler: Speaking of the candidates, what do you think of the two main parties?

YourCitizensParty: I mean, I don’t want to say that their opinions aren’t Valid, but it’s clear that they’re not working. They’ve become so extreme in their views, so in favor of the THEIR way of doing everything that what are the American people left with? The better of two evils? This is AMERICA, the greatest country in the world, and this is the best we can come up with? Two extreme views, one that thinks that the answer always lies in the public sector and another that thinks that the answer is always in the private sector. That gets you nowhere. Each sector, public and private, has its appropriate use and is totally Valid as the Solution for different problems. That’s why I was created, to give the American People a reasonable, centrist party interested in their Voice. And that’s why we need at least three parties, so that people don’t find themselves constantly bouncing between two extremes.

the_gabbler: Very true. And what exactly is the centrist platform that you’re presenting for this election?

YourCitizensParty: We call it the Main Street Platform. Obviously, the focus this year is really on the economy. You know, end Free Trade, encourage Fair Trade. Ensure that employers don’t discriminate against the Unemployed. Use the Military only when Necessary.

the_gabbler: I’m sorry, I just have to ask. Why the capitalization? I’m not sure it’s all necessary…

YourCitizensParty: Great question, that’s just an absolutely wonderful question. Have I told you yet how Valid your Opinions are? They’re just so Valid. Anyway, our members also vote on what words should be capitalized. The Citizens Party also believes that everyone has the Right to Decide what’s the most Important Word in any sentence.

the_gabbler: Okay, I guess that makes some sense. But, also, why do you keep linking to your website? I think our readers will know to click the first link that appears in the interview if they’re  interested in learning more about the Citizens Party.

YourCitizensParty: That’s not a risk that the Citizens Party is willing to take. Every Voice in the Void must be heard by the powers within our party structure – or what’s even my reason for existing? Also, just in case: Citizens Party, Citizens Party, Citizens Party, Citizens Party!

the_gabbler: Okay, I think they all know where to go now. Anyway, I know you really believe in keeping politicians accountable for their work. What are some ideas that your party has for educating citizens about their representatives?

YourCitizensParty: EXCELLENT question. Just so Valid. The answer is simple: Performance Reviews. All politicians, regardless of office, need to be objectively evaluated on their abilities and this information needs to be given to the American People. We need to know what they’re doing, how they’re doing it, when they’re doing it. What part of the bill did they author? Are they kind to their staff? Do they allow them to use the restroom often enough? Is their own use of the restroom impeding their work? All of that information needs to be made public, at least on a yearly basis. I mean, hey, you wouldn’t hire someone or promote them without a similar review, right? So why should you vote for someone to WORK FOR YOUR TAX DOLLARS without that information?

the_gabbler: That’s a very novel idea. So, who can our readers vote for if they’re interested in seeing a Citizens Party president?

YourCitizensParty: Oh, well there are quite a few write-in candidates. Max Rieske or Mark B. Graham, for instance.

the_gabbler: Write in? So none of your presidential candidates made it onto a ballot?

YourCitizensParty: Unfortunately, no. But we really have our Hopes Up for the 2016 election.

the_gabbler: You know, another third party, called NSA Did 911 is appearing on the New Jersey ballot with the basic premise that the National Security Agency planned the September 11^th attacks and is now pouring most of its resources into silencing the NSA Did 911 party by attempting to murder their candidate and founder, Jeff Boss. What do you have to say when a party like that makes it onto a ballot and you don’t?

YourCitizensParty: Well, you know, I think it’s just great that Jeff Boss is making his Valid Voice heard. You know, each little thought of an American citizen is like a unique and beautiful snowflake, making up the blizzard of democracy. And while it appears that his snowflake is a little bit more of a paranoid schizophrenic snowflake, it’s still just so Valid. So, you know, I hope that he gets the help he needs. But I’m fine, Citizens Party is just growing and growing and looking toward the future. I just know that if we respect everyone’s Opinion Equally, we can get the Representation we need and turn this Great Country around.

the_gabbler: Well, I hope that you’re able to do that. Thank you so much for chatting with me today, Citizens Party.

YourCitizensParty: Oh, no, thank you! You are just so Valid in all of your amazing Opinions. It’s been great.

With the help of Hillary Clinton, Dr. Jill Biden, Michelle Obama and Maria “Rosie” Castro (mother of keynote speaker and San Antonio mayor Julian Castro) The Gabbler debunked a few claims made by the men of the DNC and confirmed one universal truth: a convention speech is only as good as the women who it slathers with praise.

Bill Clinton: “I am very proud of [Hillary].”

Hillary Clinton did not confirm nor deny this claim.  She simply shook her head and walked away, saying, “I have more important things to do than to fact check what the boys are saying. Someone has to run the State Department.”

Vice President Joe Biden: “Jilly…I [am] so proud of you…And I’m grateful. So grateful that you said “Yes” on that fifth try.”

Dr. Biden confirms that her husband Joe is nothing, if not really, really grateful that she finally broke down and agreed to marry him. “Here’s a tip, ladies: make them sweat it out. Be coy, wait until at least the third proposal to say yes. That way, he’ll be eternally grateful for your sacrifice in agreeing to marry him. And grateful husbands are like well-trained dogs, they’ll do anything you ask them to.”

Julian Castro: “And while she may be proud of me tonight, I’ve got to tell you, Mom, I’m even more proud of you. Thank you, Mom.”

Ms. Castro debunked this statement, claiming, “It is not possible to be more proud of someone than I was of Julian that night. Also, Julian, if you’re so proud of me, you could be a little more like that nice Mr. Christie man who spoke at the Republican Convention. He doesn’t look like he’s ever turned away a plate of food from his mama just because he was on a ‘low carb diet to lose those last 5 pounds before the Convention.’ You’re too skinny, mijo.”

President Barack Obama: “Michelle, I love you so much.”

Michelle Obama confirms that this, if anything, is an understatement, saying “You better. I don’t get  up every day at 4:30 to do push ups just for the fun of it.”

Hi, I’m Joe Biden, vice president of the United States, here to answer your questions, just like my boy Obama did last week!  After a brief, accidental foray into ThreadIt, a community of needlepoint enthusiasts (btw, thanks, ladies, for finally helping me master the elusive encroaching upright gobelin stitch!), I’ve finally made it here, to Reddit, where I’ll be happy to spend the next 30 minutes answering any and all questions you might have for me, Joe Biden!

UPDATE: Well that was fun. I’m off now, for my mandatory four hours of campaign anti-gaffe coaching, but I have to say, it’s no ThreadIt, but this whole Reddit thing isn’t too shabby.

Question: What do you even do?

Answer: Tons of stuff! I like to spend time with Jill, my lovely wife. Oh! And being a grandpa is just great! Also, I’m the vice president, which your civics class should have taught you is a position where you do a lot of thankless work and then get yelled at by everybody for one LITTLE comment you accidently make about putting black people back in chains (even though it was clearly Romney who wants to do that, NOT me). In fact, as VP, I get yelled at a lot, even though my practical, devil’s advocate approach keeps everyone from just running off to commie town, am I right? Plus, whose personal relationships built during a 35 plus year run as a Senator do you think allows the White House to work with Congress Republicans? But NOOOOO, it’s much more important that I keep my mouth shut about gay marriage so that Obama can drop that bomb when he sees fit.

Question: As a former single parent, do you really think that women can have it all?

Answer: Well I can certainly name one woman who has it all: Dr. Jill Biden. A handsome, successful husband who’s just a heartbeat away from the highest level of power in the world, albeit a very strong and well exercised heartbeat (thanks, Michelle!), a beautiful daughter, loving stepsons and grandchildren, a successful career. The first Second Lady to ever continue working once her husband takes office because what she says goes in our household, no matter how many times I ask who’s supposed to organize tea time for visiting dignitaries! But seriously, ladies, you know I’ve got your back, right? I get it, ok. I might not have the same parts as you, but I know exactly what it feels like to commute hours every day just so that you can pursue your career dreams while still maintaining a sense of stability in your children’s lives. And at the end of the week all you want is a nice bubble bath and maybe a brownie or a glass of wine, but NO your youngest is on the verge of tears because his older brother told him that Big Bird wasn’t real and there is just so much laundry. What I really mean to say, is thank God I found Jill, because she was really able to sort out that Big Bird problem for me.

Question: What are you going to do, personally, to get me a job? Seriously, this unemployed and living in my mom’s basement thing is getting old, especially given how much food service experience I have.

Answer: We’re working on it. I wish I could just find everyone in America a job, I really do, but I’m too busy flying around the world in a private jet and being pampered by our allies while we talk wars and stuff.  (Although, I hear Chili’s is hiring…check out their application here!) But seriously, I’m trying, okay? I mean, I spent a lot of time overseeing the stimulus, ensuring that there was absolutely almost no corruption at all and that the money really went to helping maintain and create jobs, which is always good for the economy! (That must be why California Pizza Kitchen is also hiring!) Seriously, though, the internet is filled with online applications for food service related jobs. What are you doing all day in that basement instead of just filling out a few of them?

Question: Is Iran going to nuke us?

Answer: Not if you reelect Obama. ;)

Question: I hear you’re a 99 percenter like the rest of us (second poorest member of Congress in ‘08, hell yeah!). How come I’ve never seen you down at Occupy, man? Also, how has your relative poverty helped inform the work you do as veep?

Answer: Okay, I’m going to be completely honest: not cool. You don’t think it’s just a little bit embarrassing for me to be running with all these millionaires and for you to just tell the internet how poor ole Joe Biden is? You know what, some of us started our Senatorial careers a little too young to bring in much bacon with our fancy law degrees, okay? Do you know that I was the sixth youngest Senator in US history? I was too busy working on behalf of my constituents in Delaware to bring in money on the side, okay? And I had two boys to raise, on my own, thank you very much, until Jill came along. So sorry that I don’t fit your image of the slick, wealthy politician. Nope I’m just Ole Joe from Scranton, won’t see him in an Armani suit at the debate. It’s just embarrassing, okay, I’m not proud of it. But you know what? The VP salary isn’t bad, so I’m doing just fine, thank you very much.

Question: What’s your opinion of Paul Ryan?

Answer: Don’t even get me started. The thought that, if things don’t go my way in November, Ryan could be in my office, jerking off to Atlas Shrugged or getting his P90X sweat all over my chair disgusts me. I mean if this guy is as good at creating gridlock as VP as he was in the Super Committee our country is doomed. As VP, I know the importance of greasing the wheels, getting things done, making compromises, hiding your true disgust with the Republican Party. This guy can’t do any of that, so he’s just going to sit around hrumphing about no compromises for lower taxes on millionaires and banning gay marriage while running our country into the ground.