Bernie Sanders

Distance: wayyy out​ there in VT.

Active: 73 years, baby

About Bernie: “I’m just looking for a happy, healthy relationship in which the means of production, distribution, and exchange are owned and/or regulated equally.

Also, ice cream > frozen yogurt.”

 Rand Paul

Hillary Clinton

Ted Cruz

Distance: The United States of Texas

Active: Since Freshman year

About Ted: “Harvard AND Princeton alum. Proud Wacko Bird. I know everyone’s wondering, so I’ll just settle all bets now: yes, I do wear my cowboy boots everywhere.” ;) 

Favorite Books: The Bible, The Fountainhead, Green Eggs and Ham and of course, mine!

 

​ ​Jeb Bush

Donald Trump

-Went to the dry cleaner (preparing suits for announcement rally?)

-Had Sunday dinner with not one but TWO former presidents (Presidents George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush)

-Purchased a diet cookbook at the local bookstore (losing weight to look good in debates?)

-Chatted at length with bookstore salesgirl about local economy (trying to look “folksy” and “down-to-earth”)

-Went for a brisk walk with wife, forced her to use small hand weights the whole time (attempt to get “Michelle arms”)

-Attempted to kiss baby and puppy at ice cream shop (photo op, anyone?)

-As if that’s not evidence ENOUGH, quick hack of his personal computer also showed the following searches:

• what is pinterest
• will pinterest help me get the youth vote
• will instagram help me get the youth vote
• how to win elections with the twitter
• do ladies really care that much about abortions
• how to relate to youths
• dramatic political slogan ideas
• low fat slow cooker chili recipes
• what dog do american voters like the most
• hillary clinton pantsuit designer

Hey there, folks! Welcome to the 2014 holiday season! You probably should have started preparing months ago, around January 15^th, but hey, Netflix isn’t going to watch itself, am I right? I mean, sure, all those hours of watching Breaking Bad won’t get you a closet full of perfectly wrapped presents, a gourmet Christmas dinner, or even a token holiday boyfriend to show off to your judgey aunt, but isn’t that Walter White just a hoot? All that meth dealing to make money when my sister Mary could have shown him how to feed his family of four on just $5 a week!

But don’t you fret. I have all the holiday wisdom you need to make it through this year and straight on into 2015. And of course, now that you know better, you should start prepping for next Christmas as soon as you get through this one. Here are my tips for a holly, jolly Christmas. They’ll help you through economic insecurity, your family’s judgmental questions, and even your racist great-uncle’s glowering stare at your new Italian boyfriend!

1.      I shouldn’t even need to say this, but the only way to fund a full a holiday meal is extreme couponing. Now I’m no pro like my sister, so I’ll leave the teaching to her, but there’s no need to pay more than 25 cents for any one food item. Ever. You’d be amazed at what a delicious holiday meal you can make with expired meat, dented, canned tomato sauce, and the Goldfish that are on special this week. And any whiners will be reassured with a tasty dessert: 2 for 1 yogurt that also has a half off coupon!

2.      Extreme couponing is also a great way to save on gifts. Sure, your 15-year-old daughter may be upset that all she got this year was a 25 pack of Charmin, but she’ll need to wipe up all those tears with something, won’t she?

3.      If you do plan on buying “real” gifts, make sure to take advantage of shopping holidays. Not just Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, and Cyber Monday, but other national holidays, too. You’ve already missed Memorial Day, the 4^th of July, Labor Day, and Columbus Day, but what about Veteran’s Day? All of those soldiers didn’t fight and possibly die just so you could miss out Macy’s One Day Only Veteran’s Day Sale and the chance to save 30% off when you spend $150 or more on your Macy’s credit card. God bless America, indeed!

4.      Now that we’ve gone over how to save some dough this holiday season, let’s move on to something more important: making your terrible life seem enviable to all of your former high school classmates and distant family members. First off, you’re going to have to work on improving yourself RIGHT NOW. Thanksgiving is just three weeks away. That gives you three weeks to get yourself ready to make Billy the quarterback rue the day he decided not to ask you to prom when he runs into you at your hometown supermarket or, better yet, the local dive bar. It’s best if you start dieting and hitting the gym really hard. I know “body positivity” is all the rage right now, but flat abs never hurt anyone, now did they? And while you’re on the elliptical, why not practice making your job sound way more important than it is? Here are some businessey acronyms to get you started: B2B, KPI, IPO. I also recommend replacing “assistant” with “associate” and “waitress” with “customer service representative.”

5.      If you’re single, NOW is the time to start looking. If you’re still single on Thanksgiving, you’re practically guaranteed to spend New Year’s Eve alone, clutching a bottle of cheap champagne and softly crying in a corner while all your friends proclaim their love with a midnight kiss. So download no fewer than five dating apps on to your phone, but don’t stop there. Join singles social sports leagues, singles Meetup groups, and go speed dating at least once a week.

6.      If you’ve followed my tips so far, you should be ready for a great holiday season. But don’t forget that while you’ve embarked on a path of money saving and self-aggrandizement, your family hasn’t changed. So when your grandmother asks why you didn’t bother to comb your hair, or your mother asks you where the bottom half of your mini skirt went, or your great uncle tells your new boyfriend that he looks “terroristy,” don’t forget the number one way to get through the holiday season with grace and poise: booze!

7.      Most importantly of all, enjoy yourself! After New Year’s passes it’s just months of bleak weather leading into tax season. And the start of next year’s holiday preparation, of course!

ISIS: Competitive Startup in A Fast-Paced Environment

Slide 1: Who We Are

ISIS is a band of young professionals seeking to redefine the boundaries of governance in the Middle East. ISIS combines the dynamic professionalism of a modern day army with the flare and edginess of a 21st century terrorist organization, with computer skills beyond “proficiency in Microsoft Office.”

• Core members educated and radicalized in the most prestigious American prisons.
• Years of hands-on experience operating in the explosive Syrian market.
• Many everyday people, looking for a positive change and direction in their life!

Slide 2: Our Product:

The Islamic State provides social and security services to underserved communities across the Levant.*

*Must subject oneself completely to ISIS’s brand of Islam to receive benefits. Not valid for certain minority groups already deemed heretical. Failure to comply may result in injury or death.  

Slide 3: Market

Our organization has seized upon recent realty opportunities resulting from the Syrian Civil War and the legacy of the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Market research found large amounts of territory to be entirely ungoverned, creating huge demand for our product to fill. Based in the historic “Cradle of Civilization,” ISIS is well-positioned to capitalize on the demands of this unique market and expand internationally.

Slide 4: Competition and Competitive Advantages

ISIS faces significant competition from established states as well as other start-ups in both the Syrian and Iraqi markets. However, our funding, modern technology, and ruthless ambition will guarantee our advantage over competitors.

SYRIA:

• Heavily saturated market: In a highly fractured environment, ISIS’s brand recognition stands out as an extreme alternative to ordinary start-ups.
• Moderate Forces and Other Extremists: Thanks to captured U.S. weapons from Iraq, ISIS maintains a powerful advantage over less-established competitors like the Free Syrian Army and the al-Nusra Front.
• Assad’s Regime: Business interests temporarily aligned.

 Iraq:

• Iraqi National Government: An unpopular, ineffective brand, detachment from local communities, and dysfunctional structure means the Iraqi government poses little threat to our growth.
• Iraqi Kurdistan and Peshmerga: ISIS’s main competitor in Northern Iraq, ISIS is working hard to outcompete the ambitious Kurdish up-start and seize assets wherever possible.
• United States: Both an adversary and unwitting partner, the U.S.’s actions to dismantle ISIS are key to increasing our growth and credibility across the region.

Slide 5: Growth Outlook

Over the past 3 years, ISIS has seen indomitable growth by every possible metric:

• Members: Over the past 3 years, ISIS’s membership has increased from 1,000 to up to 80,000 members! Additionally, we expect huge increases in recruitment following initial airstrikes by the U.S. and other countries.
• Territory: Now in control of up to 35,000 square miles of territory.
• Capital: Crucial infrastructure includes oil fields and refineries, as well as over $2 billion in cash on hand.
• Revenue: ISIS brings in up to $3 million each day from diversified sources, including revenue from exports to other markets, mandatory crowd-funding from individuals and businesses, as well as tangential professional services such as merchandising, ransoms, bank robberies.

Slide 6: Reviews and Testimonials: 

The ISIS brand is now internationally recognized, and discussed widely. VICE made a video about us. The international community, stunned by our fiery expansion, is clearly impressed by our credentials and abilities.

“[ISIS] is as sophisticated and well-funded as any group that we have seen. They’re beyond a terrorist group. They marry ideology, a sophistication of strategic and tactical military prowess. They are tremendously well-funded”…”This is beyond anything that we’ve seen.”

                        –Chuck Hagel, U.S. Secretary of Defense

“I do think they [ISIS] present the greatest threat we’ve seen since 9/11.”

                        – Representative Michael McCaul, chair of USA’s Homeland Security Committee

[ISIS is] “probably more sophisticated than most U.S. companies.”

                       – Aaron Zelin, Washington Institute, on ISIS’s social media game.

Last week’s news headlines read like Debbie Downer’s Diary: PMS Edition. Israeli attacks on Gaza continue to result in high civilian casualties. Doctor who bravely dedicated himself to fighting the Ebola outbreak in Liberia contracts the lethal virus. Death row execution lasts an excruciating two hours when drugs malfunction. Planes continue to plummet from the sky, resulting in the death of hundreds of people. But there was one bright sliver of joy – the official global trailer of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie was released. To celebrate this pivotal moment in American pop culture with a hard-hitting review, I’ve turned to the most critical woman I know – my Nana.

 Okay, kids, as your Pop Pop would stay, let’s skip the salad and get right to the meat and potatoes. No time for introductions, let’s go right to the play-by-play for the trailer for this nice soft-core porno that my darling granddaughter showed me.

So we open with some frumpster, terrible bangs clogging up her pretty face, writing some newspaper article in the world’s least flattering cardigan. I am not impressed. Who goes to an interview in a skirt that the thrift store should have paid you to wear? It’s just unprofessional.

This Mr. Grey settles in for his interview with the frumpster, but he’s not about to just be professional and answer the questions. Good thing this is a sex film and not a how to behave in the workplace guide or we’d be in trouble! So this Mr. Grey asks the frumpster about her herself and she just answers coyly, “There’s nothing to know about me. Look at me.” And then he falls in love.

Now listen, girls, because this is important: Mr. Grey is a wuss. That’s right, I said it. A real man likes his woman loud and confident and outspoken. None of this falling in love with that whole “oh little old me, I’m nothing special” bullshit. You think your Pop would have asked me to marry him if I hadn’t always behaved like the fabulous woman I am? I never pretended not to be interesting and he’s been trying to catch up with me for 50 years.

But it all comes together when we find out that this Mr. Grey is all about controlling things. So this frumpsters just another little insecure doll in his toy chest. Which, after an intense run and a weird trip in a funny looking plane, we find out is a toy chest filled with whips and blindfolds and things. Cue the moaning nudity. The frumpster finally looks like a fully satisfied sex goddess. End trailer.

Here’s the thing, girls-don’t let this convince you to buy into any of this funny business with whips and chains and blindfolds. You know, your Pop Pop and I went through an experimental phase in the 70s and I can say that being whipped hurts as much as you’d expect, even when you have a ballgag in your mouth to chew on. And being handcuffed to the bed just means that you’re stuck there for hours when your husband decides to answer the phone real quick before you get started and it turns out to be his chatty mother. Don’t even get me started on hot wax. But you’ve seen how often your Pop knocks over his iced tea. At least that doesn’t result in second degree burns. Trust me, girls, I know.

So don’t let the fact that the frumspter has a Devil Wears Prada-esque transformation through sex sway you. Save the whips and ballgags and maybe just use that sex toy money on a nice steak dinner and learn about his hopes and dreams?

In conclusion, I give this trailer one thumb down for the whole whip thing, but one thumb up for the shirtless scene of Mr. Grey. You know, your Pop Pop had a body like that when he was young. If I drink too much wine and squint really hard, he almost still does.

• One pound of bananas: $0.49, or 30 minutes of fixing your boss’s Blackberry
• A box of spinach: $2.99, or three hours of coffee runs
• A loaf of bread: $2.50, or two hours of phone duty
• One gallon of milk: $3.79, or one hour of ordering office supplies from Staples.com
• One load of laundry:  $1.50, or 15 minutes of drafting emails for your boss
• A box of Irish Springs soap: $2.99, or two hours of stalking the building super to find out why your office is so cold
• One month unlimited Metro Card: $112 , or 20 hours of “database management”
• Interview outfit, cobbled together from Macy’s sale rack: $50, or one hour of cleaning up your boss’s Outlook calendar
• One month prepaid cell phone: $35, or five hours of taking notes in meetings during which you are not permitted to speak
• Monthly student loan repayment: $290, or two new industry contacts willing to forward along your resume
• One month’s rent: $1000, or 80 hours of social media profile maintenance
• Splurge birthday dinner for your boyfriend: $100, or ten hours of taking lunch orders for your superiors, one of whom is a vegetarian, two of whom are gluten-free, and one who insists that her sandwich crusts be cut off. (Good thing you still waitress on the side, or you’d surely mess this order up.)

Most Likely to Get Stuck in a Bathtub and Fall Asleep at the Dinner Table

William Howard Taft

Most Forgettable Founding Father

James Monroe

The Either Gay or Philandering President, No One Really Knows

James Buchanan

Most Likely to Be Accused of Hosting White House Orgies and Joining the KKK

Warren G. Harding

Most Likely to Have a “Soap-on-a-Rope” Bust Made of Him for a Kia Commercial

Millard Filmore

The First President Plagued by Crazy Birthers

Chester A. Arthur

Most Likely to Complete All the Items on His Presidential Agenda and Still Get Forgotten by History

James K. Polk

Republican Most Likely to Push Federal Spending over $1 Billion for the First Time in the History of the Country

Benjamin Harrison

Most Likely to Survive the Mexican-American War Only to Later Be Killed by Cherries and Milk

Zachary Taylor

Best Hair

Martin Van Buren

Most Likely to Be Anna Kendrick’s Son

Franklin Pierce

Biggest Teetotaler

Rutherford B. Hayes

BONUS: PRESIDENT YOU’VE ACTUALLY HEARD OF

Most Likely to Deny Enjoying Tyler Perry Movies

Thomas Jefferson

The Winter Olympic Committee’s Official List of Rejected Opening Ceremony Ideas

1.) A live reenactment of Crime and Punishment, with Edward Snowden in the role of Raskolnikov

2.) A Putin mascot doing the Harlem Shake

3.) Police Choir rapping “Back in the USSR”

4.) A retrospective on the inherent heterosexuality of all Russian men

5.) A gulag prison scene featuring Pussy Riot look-a-likes singing “Cell Block Tango” from Chicago

6.) A Stalin mustache contest

7.) A classy, traditional Olympic ring display that has no risk of technical failure

8.) A non-dramatic reading of War and Peace in its entirety

9.) A vodka and caviar chugging contest

10.) A theatrical version of Fox Animations Studio’s Anastasia 

11.) Russia’s Next Top Model, Live with Putin as head judge

12.) Judo demonstration, starring Putin