With Wonder Woman set to come out in 2017, and the new Super Girl series out in a few weeks, Hollywood producers and US voters alike are trying to find the woman who truly embodies what it means to be America’s Wonder Woman.

Clinton was originally thought to be perfectly cast for the role. After being First Lady and Senator of New York after that, Clinton rose to fame quickly with her run in 2008, her power suits and bad ass attitude as Secretary of State, and her advocacy for women’s rights worldwide.

But does she really fit the part? As the presidential election heats up, Americans are wondering just that, particularly after Benghazi, her secret emails, and all the other shady Clinton dealings that are starting to seem more villainous than superhero lady-like.

In fact, Bernie Sanders seems more like a heroine these days than Clinton (And is it just us, or would he kill it in a red bodysuit?), and even the casting of Donald Trump as Republican party saboteur isn’t doing nearly enough damage to make Clinton look good enough to be a shoo-in.

Meanwhile, Warren has publicly stated that she’s not running for president in 2016, again and again and again and again. She doesn’t want the power, which is why Americans are seeing her as “that much cooler,” according to a recent poll.

Director Chris Nolan also thinks she’s perfect for the role. “Warren’s the hero Gotham – I mean, America - deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt her. Because she can take it. Because she’s not our hero. She’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A WONDER WOMAN.”

The bill, known as the Politician-Repelling Restoration Act (PRRA), follows that should a business owner feel that a politician is being “dickish, sluggish, hateful, brutish, or simply stupid,” business owners have the right to refuse them service.

“If I, as a florist, don’t want to sell a politician flowers for his wedding because he’s a bigoted prick, I think I should have the right to do that, as well,” said Ava Wingley, local business owner of Roses and Daisies, a florist in downtown Indianapolis.

Pence, who previously expressed his support for a slightly different bill, unfortunately couldn’t be reached for comment. He was, however, seen yelling wildly as he was escorted out of a local doughnut shop by security after he was refused service.

“The stuff was just flying off the shelves, man. I saw one woman actually take down a toddler to grab the last wilty bunch of kale from the shelves. It was insane,” said a Trader Joes employee who spoke with the Gabbler on the condition of anonymity.

As the city prepared for a possible 24-26 inches of snow, many New Yorkers flocked to grocery stores to stock up on essentials. Kale and quinoa were among the first grocery items to run out, with gluten free snacks a close third.

“I had to buy regular, gluten-filled pretzels,” said one harried shopper. “I’ll probably be mentally fuzzy and fatigued for days thanks to all that enriched flour.” Fortunately, she was able to grab some spinach and apples so that she wouldn’t be forced to forgo her morning green juice.

Real data on the number affected by this severe vitamin shortage are still pending, but public health officials are being consulted to assess the grizzly toll of this shortage.

“We can expect energy levels of organic eaters to be at an all-time low as gluten is reintroduced into their system and their protein and Vitamin K intake goes down, due to a decrease in quinoa and kale intake,” said Sandy Davis, a Whole Foods nutritional consultant.

Dr. Daniel Simms, a nutritional expert, also seemed concerned, saying that it would take people “minutes” to recover from these deficiencies, “those minutes, of course, being the time it takes you to just find another source of food.”

As the storm slowed this afternoon, weakened New Yorkers were seen slowly hobbling towards Whole Foods, no doubt in search of the kale their bodies were desperately craving.

“No boo boo, no wah wah,” Hayden, the two-year-old explained to one of the players, who had tripped on his way to the field and promptly began grasping his knee and yelling.

The preschoolers, many of whom have only been walking and falling for about a year and a half, explained the fundamentals of falling on the field, such as “grass soft” and “big boys no cry.” The players practiced falling with these guidelines, but many seemed confused when they were admonished by their young mentors for crying out and rolling around on the grass.

“I only cried a little, man, come on! I wanna lolli!!!” complained one American player at the end of the session, as the preschoolers handed out candy to everyone who had behaved like a big boy.

Officials are unsure whether or not the clinic will be effective in toning down on field theatrics, but are at least hoping to recruit several of the preschoolers to console players suffering from skinned knees with lollipops following the games.

Former FBI director and famed snooper J. Edgar Hoover arose from his grave at the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C. late yesterday morning, according to multiple eyewitnesses.  Scientists have confirmed that this is the first instance of a human or other animal species coming back from the dead.

Footage of Hoover pushing out of the ground with his fist shows him nearly toppling over his gravestone in as he pulls himself out of the ground.

While alive from 1924 to 1972, Hoover paved the way for the American government to start spying on its own people. He worked tirelessly on the development of professionalizing law enforcement, forensic assistance, domestic counterintelligence and counterespionage.

“It was quite a sight,” said Blythson in a phone interview later that day. “I was pretty shaken up, what with seeing a zombie and all. But he didn’t want to kill me and eat my face, as I’d originally thought. He just kept yelling about digital image harvesting.”

“Cross continental travel has long held a place in the American heart. It is a source of endless creative inspiration and what better place to be inspired than a Megabus?” the webpage advertising the contest begins. It continues to list several of the unique elements of a Megabus journey that would lend itself to inspiring writers, including “internet so spotty that you won’t be able to procrastinate by looking at Facebook, the beautiful sights of the interstate highways unrolling past your window (if you get in line early enough to get a window seat, that is!), the intense odors emanating from the bus bathroom., and, of course, witty banter with sassy bus drivers.”

Candidates are required to provide all of their social media handles, a writing sample, and a picture of themselves writing on their computers in a confined space “to prove that [they] are physically able to write in a Megabus seat.” A total of 25 winners will be chosen, and required to book their trip between June 15^th and August 31^st in order to “best take advantage of the most inspiring part of the summer season: cramming yourself into an over air-conditioned (or if it’s broken, sweltering!) bus for hours.”

Some of America’s greatest modern literature has been written on a Megabus, including that great ode to female friendship “Bitch, I Took a Megabus for You,” and that epic poem of young, long distance love Tommy, I Am Sitting Next to Someone Who Is 6’5” Just So You Don’t Have to Go to Your Work Party Alone, You Owe Me SOOO Much Jewelry. Megabus is hoping to inspire more great literature, “but mostly we just hope to get some hashtags trending. It seemed to work for Amtrak, am I right?” a Megabus representative said when contacted for this piece.

“Listen, we probably should have planned better,” a spokeswoman said at a poorly attended press conference today. “We knew the How I Met Your Mother series finale was the same day as the official deadline, so the competition for the media’s attention was already pretty stiff. But how could we have predicted the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines flight 370? Or that adorable new picture of Prince George? It had a dog and a baby. We stood no chance.”

Although an estimated 9.7 million previously uninsured Americans now have healthcare coverage because of the Affordable Care Act, very few people have noticed that Monday, March 31^st was the deadline to enroll. The news media has given little coverage to the deadline, instead focusing on MH370, the 2016 election, and the misreported death of soccer legend Pelé.

“We were honestly a little worried when that plane went missing,” said the spokeswoman, “but we figured what was more mysterious than trying to fill out an online application written by a government bureaucracy? That has to be a little bit more difficult to figure out than the location of a giant jet liner, right?”

The Obama administration has yet to set a definitive date for the next deadline, saying that “it’s hard to tell when the next ‘French Bulldog Can’t Roll Over’ video will come out and steal [their] thunder.”

“We’re hoping for a lull after the World Cup,” the spokeswoman said, “but who knows, Hillary might start a juice cleanse or something and ruin everything all over again.”

 Congress, which has a current approval rating of 13 percent among Americans, hired the skywriting service for an estimated $1,500. Whether or not it was purchased out of their own pockets or with taxpayer dollars is still unconfirmed.

 Skywriting, or writing a message in the sky, is often considered a grand or romantic gesture and is commonly used for wedding proposals or birthdays. It’s achieved by hiring a small aircraft that expels a specific type of smoke into the sky during flight so that the message remains visible for some time. 

 “We’re really just trying to address the fact that we’ve been a little unpopular lately,” said House Speaker John Boehner in a message to press on Monday. “No, this has nothing to do with 2014 being an election year. We just wanted to send you a little something special, because you deserve it, America!”

Congress reportedly meant to send the skywritten message out on Christmas Day, but the message was delayed due to partisan disagreements about the wording, capitalization, and font of the message.