Bernie Sanders

Distance: wayyy out​ there in VT.

Active: 73 years, baby

About Bernie: “I’m just looking for a happy, healthy relationship in which the means of production, distribution, and exchange are owned and/or regulated equally.

Also, ice cream > frozen yogurt.”

 Rand Paul

Hillary Clinton

Ted Cruz

Distance: The United States of Texas

Active: Since Freshman year

About Ted: “Harvard AND Princeton alum. Proud Wacko Bird. I know everyone’s wondering, so I’ll just settle all bets now: yes, I do wear my cowboy boots everywhere.” ;) 

Favorite Books: The Bible, The Fountainhead, Green Eggs and Ham and of course, mine!

 

​ ​Jeb Bush

Donald Trump

Facebook is proving that it cares more about expanding internationally than protecting users’ rights to privacy and expression.

On Jan. 9, Facebook’s CEO Mark Zuckerberg released a firm and emotional statement on the importance of free speech to Facebook, signing off with the ubiquitous hashtag, “Je Suis Charlie.”

A few weeks later, Facebook complied with an order from the Turkish government to remove images of the Prophet Mohammed, the latest in a series of moves from the social network that give into government influence. The decision reflects the lucrative market that Turkey represents for the American tech company.

In late December, Facebook acquiesced to the Russian government’s order to block access to a page calling for a protest in support of Alexei Navalny. Navalny is Russian President Vladamir Putin’s most vocal critic and is currently under house arrest in Moscow.

It’s also no secret that Zuckerberg has been actively seeking to have Facebook operate in the Chinese market, hosting the Chinese minister of Cyberspace Administration at Facebook’s headquarters, and sucking up to the Chinese President Xi Jinping. If Facebook did receive permission to operate in China, where it is currently blocked, it would certainly have to cooperate with censorship orders from the Chinese government.

Facebook argues that it is simply complying with local laws in the countries that it operates and touts reports it releases with aggregated government requests for data and censorship. Turkey’s government threatened to block access to the entire site if Facebook did not cooperate with its censorship orders.

Facebook is not a “public square.” It is a corporation, and it will do whatever it can to increase market share. However, if Facebook truly wanted to be the force for freedom of expression it claims to be, it could use its considerable influence and visibility to stand up against and refuse to be complicit in repressive government policies.

We live in very exclamatory times. Thanks to the internet, we have a ton of outlets for our enthusiasm, most commonly expressed by the use (and overuse) of the exclamation point. But have you ever paused to consider how the Exclamation Point feels about this sudden turn in the spotlight? To find out The Gabbler sat down with him and had quite the illuminating conversation.

The Gabbler: Hi there Exclamation Point!!! Thank you so much for meeting with me today!!!

Exclamation Point: Good morning. It’s lovely to meet you.

TG: Well that was…calm. Are you feeling all right?

EP: But of course. Am I acting strangely?

TG: You could be a little more enthusiastic! Like, this is the first time I’ve EVER met a punctuation mark! And you’re going to get your name splashed in lights, right there on the Gabbler home page! Isn’t that MAJOR?!

EP: Well, I suppose. I’m more on the shy side, as far as punctuation is concerned. If you wanted someone who’s used to the spotlight, why not interview the period? He’s everywhere. Or perhaps the comma? He’s a big fan of controversy, as anyone who has ever engaged in the Oxford comma debate could tell you.

TG: That’s SOOO interesting!!! You know so much punctuation gossip! But why so shy?! You’re it, baby! You’re the center of all heightened human emotion!

EP: Well that’s just it, isn’t it? Most emotion isn’t heightened. So I’m really not used to being used much. It’s only lately, with the advent of the internet, that I’ve been everywhere it seems. In your emails, your G-chats, your Twitter feed. 140 characters and you use me four times? Now doesn’t that seem like quite the waste to you? I’m just not used to all the attention, I suppose.

TG: Okay, Exclamation Point. Let’s start at the beginning, then. Ease you into it. Where did you come from?  Where does any punctuation come from? Where do WE even come from?! What does this all mean?!

EP: I think I may only be able to answer one of those questions sufficiently. For the rest I’d refer you to any major world religion or the philosophy class of your choosing. As for my origins, it’s said that I come from the Latin io, which was added to sentences to denote great joy. Eventually they moved the “i” over the “o” and I was born. For the longest time, I was used sparingly to denote a sense of wonderment. I wasn’t even added to keyboards until the 1970s.

TG: But now you’re everywhere! It must be so great to be so famous!

EP: But that’s the point, isn’t it? I used to MEAN something. When you saw me, you knew, just knew, that something big had just happened. That someone had said or done something worth commenting on. Real enthusiasm, really human joy or anger or sorrow: your sweetheart is back from the war, or has left you for another man, or has died unexpectedly in a car crash. It was REAL, substantial human emotion fit for the occasion. Now I accompany every greeting, every email sign off, every single Facebook status. As if you’ll all die if you’re not enthusiastic every second of every day.

TG: But enthusiasm is SO important, you know? Like, how will people know that I’m a nice, sincere person, if I don’t pepper all correspondence with exclamation points? Then I’ll just seem rude!

EP: Isn’t that the point? That it’s NOT sincere to throw an explanation point on the end of a passive aggressive sentence to Julie in Marketing just to make it seem like you’re telling her nicely to stop taking coffee breaks and do her goddamn job?

TG: YOU have a Julie in Marketing, too? Ours is the worst!

EP: I can so unequivocally that your Julie is not the worst. Because in five minutes I’m sure the burrito you bought for lunch will be the worst and then the graphic designer you meet for drinks tonight will be the worst, and don’t you understand? Most of life is not lived in the extremes! Nothing is the worst! Nothing is the best! There is no use for me! Not all the time!

TG: I see I finally convinced you that exclamation points are useful.

EP: No comment.

TG: But I have two very serious questions: 1. How can a burrito ever be the worst? Have you even had a burrito? They’re the best! 2. What intel do you have on the graphic designer? Did Julie tell you something? She’s SO trying to cockblock me!

EP: I don’t even know how to begin to respond to that pile of nonsense.

TG: Getting a little touchy are we? Fine, let’s go back to the topic at hand. So why do you think that I’m overusing exclamation points when things like comics and Upton Sinclair exist? Upton Sinclair used you so hard, I’m surprised there’s anything left for all my email sign offs!

EP: Don’t even get me started with Upton. That man never saw something he didn’t think worth exclaiming upon. As for comics, I honestly see the need. They’re pulpy, surreal, they take place in a world where everything is over the top and men wearing leotards and tights save the day.

TG: So you don’t think that my Facebook page is an equally amazing, surreal world filled with tights and leotards? Obviously you haven’t looked closely enough at my photo albums!

EP: I’m saying that your email, your Facebook, your G-chats even take place within the realm of the real, where every hello doesn’t need to be followed by five exclamation points just to show that you are so very enthusiastic, upbeat, and nice.

TG: But how will people know that I’m nice if I don’t use exclamation points when I send them messages? Then I’ll just seem like a bitch!

EP: You could start by treating them nicely when you interact with them in real life. Take your friends out for drinks, invite Julie from marketing out to lunch, listen to problems with a kind heart and an open mind, help your best friend’s sister find an apartment, then help her move into it. Be a good person, then your punctuation won’t matter.

TG: Eh, that seems kind of time-consuming and expensive. I’m probably just better off shooting them an email filled with these: !!!!!!

EP: This is only going to get worse, isn’t it?

TG: Much. But that’s all the time we have. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me!!! I hope you have a lovely day!!!

ISIS: Competitive Startup in A Fast-Paced Environment

Slide 1: Who We Are

ISIS is a band of young professionals seeking to redefine the boundaries of governance in the Middle East. ISIS combines the dynamic professionalism of a modern day army with the flare and edginess of a 21st century terrorist organization, with computer skills beyond “proficiency in Microsoft Office.”

• Core members educated and radicalized in the most prestigious American prisons.
• Years of hands-on experience operating in the explosive Syrian market.
• Many everyday people, looking for a positive change and direction in their life!

Slide 2: Our Product:

The Islamic State provides social and security services to underserved communities across the Levant.*

*Must subject oneself completely to ISIS’s brand of Islam to receive benefits. Not valid for certain minority groups already deemed heretical. Failure to comply may result in injury or death.  

Slide 3: Market

Our organization has seized upon recent realty opportunities resulting from the Syrian Civil War and the legacy of the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Market research found large amounts of territory to be entirely ungoverned, creating huge demand for our product to fill. Based in the historic “Cradle of Civilization,” ISIS is well-positioned to capitalize on the demands of this unique market and expand internationally.

Slide 4: Competition and Competitive Advantages

ISIS faces significant competition from established states as well as other start-ups in both the Syrian and Iraqi markets. However, our funding, modern technology, and ruthless ambition will guarantee our advantage over competitors.

SYRIA:

• Heavily saturated market: In a highly fractured environment, ISIS’s brand recognition stands out as an extreme alternative to ordinary start-ups.
• Moderate Forces and Other Extremists: Thanks to captured U.S. weapons from Iraq, ISIS maintains a powerful advantage over less-established competitors like the Free Syrian Army and the al-Nusra Front.
• Assad’s Regime: Business interests temporarily aligned.

 Iraq:

• Iraqi National Government: An unpopular, ineffective brand, detachment from local communities, and dysfunctional structure means the Iraqi government poses little threat to our growth.
• Iraqi Kurdistan and Peshmerga: ISIS’s main competitor in Northern Iraq, ISIS is working hard to outcompete the ambitious Kurdish up-start and seize assets wherever possible.
• United States: Both an adversary and unwitting partner, the U.S.’s actions to dismantle ISIS are key to increasing our growth and credibility across the region.

Slide 5: Growth Outlook

Over the past 3 years, ISIS has seen indomitable growth by every possible metric:

• Members: Over the past 3 years, ISIS’s membership has increased from 1,000 to up to 80,000 members! Additionally, we expect huge increases in recruitment following initial airstrikes by the U.S. and other countries.
• Territory: Now in control of up to 35,000 square miles of territory.
• Capital: Crucial infrastructure includes oil fields and refineries, as well as over $2 billion in cash on hand.
• Revenue: ISIS brings in up to $3 million each day from diversified sources, including revenue from exports to other markets, mandatory crowd-funding from individuals and businesses, as well as tangential professional services such as merchandising, ransoms, bank robberies.

Slide 6: Reviews and Testimonials: 

The ISIS brand is now internationally recognized, and discussed widely. VICE made a video about us. The international community, stunned by our fiery expansion, is clearly impressed by our credentials and abilities.

“[ISIS] is as sophisticated and well-funded as any group that we have seen. They’re beyond a terrorist group. They marry ideology, a sophistication of strategic and tactical military prowess. They are tremendously well-funded”…”This is beyond anything that we’ve seen.”

                        –Chuck Hagel, U.S. Secretary of Defense

“I do think they [ISIS] present the greatest threat we’ve seen since 9/11.”

                        – Representative Michael McCaul, chair of USA’s Homeland Security Committee

[ISIS is] “probably more sophisticated than most U.S. companies.”

                       – Aaron Zelin, Washington Institute, on ISIS’s social media game.

“No boo boo, no wah wah,” Hayden, the two-year-old explained to one of the players, who had tripped on his way to the field and promptly began grasping his knee and yelling.

The preschoolers, many of whom have only been walking and falling for about a year and a half, explained the fundamentals of falling on the field, such as “grass soft” and “big boys no cry.” The players practiced falling with these guidelines, but many seemed confused when they were admonished by their young mentors for crying out and rolling around on the grass.

“I only cried a little, man, come on! I wanna lolli!!!” complained one American player at the end of the session, as the preschoolers handed out candy to everyone who had behaved like a big boy.

Officials are unsure whether or not the clinic will be effective in toning down on field theatrics, but are at least hoping to recruit several of the preschoolers to console players suffering from skinned knees with lollipops following the games.

POINT: “I Hate My iPhone, But I’ll Die Without It”

I first realized that my iPhone turned me into a terrible person when I caught myself playing Angry Birds at my sister’s wedding last year. I couldn’t stop. I spent the previous night on a roll during the rehearsal dinner, and I was SO close to getting three stars on every level. I was the maid of honor, and I was supposed to hold her bouquet while she and her husband-to-be exchanged rings. Except, I got so caught up in the game that when she turned to give it to me, I missed the hand-off, and the bouquet bounced to the ground and kept rolling down the aisle, then got stepped on by an usher. So, her bouquet was pretty much ruined. Also, her wedding ceremony.

I do shitty stuff like that all the time because of my iPhone. I invite people out to dinner, then ignore them while I peruse through Instagram and Facebook. I run into people on the street because I’m reading on my Kindle app for iPhone, and by the time I register where I am and that I elbowed a 70-year-old man in the face, he’s already walking away and I’m tangled in my headphones and it’s too late. I even crashed my car because I was texting, building a new Spotify playlist, and googling “where is Gloria Estefan now” – all while doing a three point turn.I’ve also developed some weird antisocial tendencies. All the push notifications make me depressed when I don’t have at least two emails, one Facebook notification, and 2,000 Twitter notifications at any given second. I never call anyone anymore. I showed my mom how to text, and now I can barely remember the sound of her voice. I book reservations for restaurants with Opentable, I order a cab with Uber, I get directions from GoogleMaps, I scan pictures of my checks for Bank of America, I get laid using Tinder, and I order delivery through Foodler or Seamless. As a result, live interactions with humans make me uncomfortable and sweaty, so I spend most of my evenings asking Siri politically incorrect questions and giggling at her answers.

This is all iPhone’s fault. It just had to be super convenient and bank on human laziness to build this creation that has made me an addicted weirdo who sleeps with her iPhone in her bed with her every night and has a mental breakdown when the “20% battery” notification pops up (because soon it will only be 10%, and all I have is my Mophie battery case, and the extra external battery, and THEN WHAT?????). So thanks a lot, iPhone, for turning me into a terrible human with a Stockholm Syndrome-like addiction to you. As for the rest of you, I highly encourage you to never get an iPhone. If you never start, you will never know the pain of trying to stop.

COUNTERPOINT: “#Considerate”

I always thought of myself as a considerate person. I held doors for people, always gave up my seat on the bus for the pregnant and disabled, and I even helped elderly people cross the street. My thank you notes were always handwritten and offered detailed descriptions of all the towels I was going to buy with that lovely JC Penney’s gift certificate. My birthday presents were thoughtful and recalled the most fleetingly expressed desire for a lemon zester. I listened, I paused, I observed the people around me so that I could anticipate their needs, congratulate them on their successes, and comfort them through their failures. But, boy, was I wrong. This whole time I’ve been so caught up in the tactile world surrounding me that I was missing out on the world that really matters — the digital one. I was just bumbling along, with my pathetic little flip phone, too busy holding open doors and giving up my seat to even notice that, according to Facebook, it was my best friend’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s cousin’s friend’s wedding yesterday. And I didn’t even send a congratulatory tweet! Or what about my old high school gym buddy’s aunt’s friend’s granddaughter’s communion? Did I really let the vast Instagram stream of her beautiful white dress go unliked? Just so I didn’t have to pay for a smartphone plan?! In the words of one Miss Stephanie Tanner: “How rude!”

But never again! My iPhone may be freshly removed from its wrapping, but the front is already smudged with the fingerprints of consideration! My commute, once spent reading and observing the silly habits of my fellow bus riders is now a daily devotional to my Twitter feed. Did you know that my co-worker’s roommate’s boyfriend finally made her kale chips? How could I let that pass without a favorite, a retweet, and a “@catzncuddlz Congrats on your bf’s cooking skills! #kale #love #eatclean #chefoftheyear #congratsagain” I mean, sure, that man on crutches didn’t have a seat for about 20 blocks, but it was really important that I get through the last 12 hours of my Twitter feed. I didn’t want to look like the jerk who didn’t retweet that link to my sorority sister’s little brother’s latest study abroad blog post, did I?

And you won’t believe how considerate I can be just walking down the street now! It’s a flood of Facebook “Happy birthdays!!!” followed by a quick read of the my News Feed. My downstairs neighbor’s girlfriend’s sister just had a baby? Better like the squishy faced first photo! And what about my kickball captain’s cousin’s best friend’s status about how she’s running so late for work? I better post a quick “You can do it, girl!” comment. Sure, I might have run into that nice man while I was doing it, but he was limber enough once he got back up off the pavement. Which I would have helped him do, but my brother’s best friend’s girlfriend just posted a picture of her breakfast and I needed to like it.

I can even be considerate at work! Before, I could never even go on Facebook for fear that my boss would notice and ask how my spreadsheet was coming. But she doesn’t bat an eyelash when I spent 30 minutes on Instagram. Or at least I don’t think she does. It’s hard to see what her eyelashes are up to when I’m too busy liking that beautifully filtered picture of the Thai food that my cousin’s boyfriend’s coworker is eating for lunch. With a quick comment: “Those spring rolls look amazing. #greatlunch #thaifood #yummmm #lunch #thosespringrollslookamazing #delicious #jealous #foodie.”

And that’s just the beginning! There are a ton of apps and features that I don’t even know about yet! I don’t have to steal company paper and ink printing out tickets anymore-I can just scan them on my phone. I never have to be that rude girl who awkwardly has spinach in her teeth, because there’s some kind of mirror I can use, I’ve heard (this is unconfirmed, but probably would have come in handy on my date last Friday). I don’t have to clog up bank lines waiting to cash a check, once I get my banking app set up. And I can even use Tinder to find more people to friend on Facebook and follow on Instagram! It’s not its original purpose, I understand, but you can’t just date people without liking that picture they posted of their best friend’s sister’s dog. That would be SO RUDE.

BALLPOINT: Lisa DeBenedictis (point), and Jessica Pierce (counterpoint)

Google is involved in a lot more than directing you to websites. 

[click for a larger image, scroll down for notes]

Google Search

Search is the feature that made Google famous, and the company now handles approximately 3.5 billion searches per day using a complex algorithm to deliver accurate results. To do this, Google “crawls” the Internet’s 60 trillion pages, and organizes it into the company’s 100 million gigabyte index of the Internet. Google has also indexed more than 20 million books for its searchable database, Google Books.

 Advertising 

Advertising is where the bulk of Google’s money comes from, pulling in over $40 billion in revenue for the company each year. Google uses the information it learns about individuals from search and from mobile app data to deliver targeted ads.

Google Maps and Location Services 

Google has created a digital map of the Earth, viewable in Google Maps and Google Earth. Using satellite imagery and on-the-ground data acquired by a fleet of cars fitted with panoramic cameras, Google has been amassing huge amounts of geo-data, including information like driving conditions, street signs and speed limits. That the cars were also able to capture Wi-Fi network information is the subject of an ongoing lawsuit against the company. Google also stores the personal location data it collects from mobile devices.

Google and the NSA 

While all tech companies deny giving NSA direct access to their servers, nine of the largest tech companies, including Google, are legally required to turn over personal data to the government when ordered through a program called PRISM.  The NSA has also been able to secretly access this data through back doors, using a program called MUSCULAR.

Self Driving Car 

As part of Google’s semi-secret Google[x] lab, the company has been developing a self-driving car and the software to run it, called Google Chauffeur. The self-driving car, which still requires a human chaperone, has already logged more than half a million miles on the road without causing an accident, which is important given how bad at driving humans are. While it is unclear whether the technology will lead to fully automated cars or hybrid, computer-assisted cars, the advances in this field have the potential to change the way humans interact with automobiles.

Robotics 

Google acquired 8 robotics companies in January and February, including Boston Dynamics, a prominent robotics company with ties to the defense industry. While many of the acquired companies are hardware producers, some, like DeepMind Technologies, specialize in artificial intelligence and machine learning. So far, Google has been quiet about what they will be used for.

Google Glass 

Another Google[x] project, Google Glass is essentially an internet-connected wearable face computer. Equipped with a camera, its so-far limited roll-out has been contentious.

Google[x] Future Projects

In addition to the self-driving car, Google Glass and robotics, Google[x] is involved in a variety of other “moon-shot” projects that outsiders can only speculate about. One such project, a literal “space elevator,” is on hold while technology improves. Same goes for the hoverboard.

Calico  

Calico, short for California Life Company, is a health company started by Google and tasked with unlocking the secrets of aging and longevity. While little is known about the company, Google CEO Larry Page commented, “Illness and aging affect all our families. With some longer term, moonshot thinking around healthcare and biotechnology, I believe we can improve millions of lives.”

Nest 

In January, Google paid a startling $3.2 billion for Nest, a company that manufactures high-end internet connected thermostats and smoke alarms. While the device is certainly cool, it is the home energy usage data that Nest generates which is particularly valuable to energy companies and makes the company a strategic investment.

 Android 

Google developed and maintains its own mobile operating system called Android, now the most common mobile operating system in the world. They also produce their own smart phones and tablets called Nexus. In 2012, Google bought Motorola Mobility for $12.5 billion, primarily for the original cell phone company’s extensive patent portfolio. Google sold most of the company to Lenovo earlier this year, but is keeping it’s “Advanced Technology and Projects (ATAP) group, headed by former DARPA director Regina Dugan. The team is currently working on a modular phone concept that has the potential to seriously alter the structure of the smartphone market.

 Legal Department

Like Apple and Samsung, Google is perpetually involved in high stakes legal disputes over patents and copyright infringement, as well as anti-trust concerns. They have also become one of the top spenders in Washington, coming in at #2 in lobbying expenditures in 2012.

 Google Energy 

Google’s data centers require a lot of electricity, and Google has been making investments in wind farms and solar energy to power its operations. Google Energy has a US government license to buy and sell energy, allowing it to potentially act as a utility company. In 2013, Google purchased Makani, a company that aims to make tethered airborne wind turbines that can reach heights (and wind speeds) impractical for heavy, ground-based turbines.

 Project Loon and Titan

Using a combination of high-altitude blimps and drones, courtesy of Googles recent acquisition of drone manufacturer Titan Aerospace, Google is hoping to provide “balloon-powered internet for everyone.”

 Google Fiber 

Google Fiber is a high-speed internet and TV project, currently operational in Kansas City and Provo, Utah. The project seems to be more about shaming big TV and Internet providers like Verizon, Comcast and AT&T into providing better service than actually competing with them. Google Fiber is looking to set up similar infrastructure in 34 more cities.