1. Post on Twitter: “What the fuck is happening in Paris????
2. Update Facebook profile picture to a picture of you at the Eiffel Tower from your junior year study abroad trip.
3. Update new Facebook profile picture to include a caption in French that you google-translated.
4. Updated new Facebook profile picture with French caption to include Facebook’s new French flag filter.
5. Check Twitter again.
6. Share your new Facebook image to Instagram.
7. Check celebrity Instagram profiles to like the photographs of Paris they’ve just posted with an Inkwell filter.
8. Like a friend’s post about Beirut that chastises the social media world for no Facebook filter or hashtag for them.
9. Share post and feel slightly guilty for your French flag filter.
10. Take a screenshot of a celebrity’s Twitter post reminding people not to be racist against Muslims after this, and share it on Facebook.
11. Take a screenshot of a celebrity’s Twitter post reminding people not to refuse refugees after this, and share it on Facebook.
12. Distract yourself from the lingering feeling of uneasiness that your performance on social media is ever less than genuine by — what else? — watching a funny cat video on YouTube.

With Wonder Woman set to come out in 2017, and the new Super Girl series out in a few weeks, Hollywood producers and US voters alike are trying to find the woman who truly embodies what it means to be America’s Wonder Woman.

Clinton was originally thought to be perfectly cast for the role. After being First Lady and Senator of New York after that, Clinton rose to fame quickly with her run in 2008, her power suits and bad ass attitude as Secretary of State, and her advocacy for women’s rights worldwide.

But does she really fit the part? As the presidential election heats up, Americans are wondering just that, particularly after Benghazi, her secret emails, and all the other shady Clinton dealings that are starting to seem more villainous than superhero lady-like.

In fact, Bernie Sanders seems more like a heroine these days than Clinton (And is it just us, or would he kill it in a red bodysuit?), and even the casting of Donald Trump as Republican party saboteur isn’t doing nearly enough damage to make Clinton look good enough to be a shoo-in.

Meanwhile, Warren has publicly stated that she’s not running for president in 2016, again and again and again and again. She doesn’t want the power, which is why Americans are seeing her as “that much cooler,” according to a recent poll.

Director Chris Nolan also thinks she’s perfect for the role. “Warren’s the hero Gotham – I mean, America - deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt her. Because she can take it. Because she’s not our hero. She’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A WONDER WOMAN.”

The bill, known as the Politician-Repelling Restoration Act (PRRA), follows that should a business owner feel that a politician is being “dickish, sluggish, hateful, brutish, or simply stupid,” business owners have the right to refuse them service.

“If I, as a florist, don’t want to sell a politician flowers for his wedding because he’s a bigoted prick, I think I should have the right to do that, as well,” said Ava Wingley, local business owner of Roses and Daisies, a florist in downtown Indianapolis.

Pence, who previously expressed his support for a slightly different bill, unfortunately couldn’t be reached for comment. He was, however, seen yelling wildly as he was escorted out of a local doughnut shop by security after he was refused service.

2. He was shot 9 times by none other than American rapper 50 Cent. Putin lived, of course. 50 cent says that Putin now has his “respect.” Putin has decided not to press charges, because “the scars are badass.” 50 was relieved, and reportedly burst out into a new rap, “A bitch still can’t get a dolla outta me — but Putin might be able to get my money.”

3. He was participating in an underground Judo competition in a seedy neighborhood in Tokyo. He won, using his signature move: HARAIGOSHI!

4. He was posing shirtless in a new Chippendale’s calendar – for charity, of course.

5. He fathered another child from a Russian ballerina, and was busy delivering the baby himself in St. Petersburg. He even cut the umbilical cord – with his teeth.

6. He challenged Angela Merkel to a thumb-wrestling contest. She won. He will speak of this to no one, ever.

7. He was filming a new action movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Production is stalled, however, because Sylvester Stallone threw a tantrum on set out of jealousy.

8. He was gambling at the back room of the Red Square in Las Vegas to win back his country’s deficits.

9. He was on a secret mission to find the missing Malaysia airline’s blackboxes –and then hide them again.
10. He was hunting commercial airliners in eastern Ukraine again. (Too soon?)

1. Racism is alive and real, so let’s work on that in 2015, America.
2. Visit Cuba! Havana Nights, baby…
3. Apply to Mars One. This planet’s toast, anyway.
4. Don’t be a homophobe when hosting an international event that showcases figure skating. (P.S. Johnny Weir stole the show, anyway.)
5. Piss off North Korea and watch “The Interview.”
6. Don’t take any flights that have anything to do with Malaysia, whatsoever.
7. Don’t fall for ISIL’s recruitment ploys, even if they start liking your posts on Instagram.
8. Don’t date a professional football player.
9. Sign up for Obamacare? The site’s finally working, at least.
10. Stop sending nudie pics – that includes Snapchat! If Katniss can get hacked, nobody’s safe.
11. Stop having nightmares about catching Ebola and subsequently bleeding from your eyeballs.

-“I Went to (insert third-world country here) to Build Houses For a Week and I Learned to Feel Really Bad For Poor People”

-“Potty-Training: How I Became Self-Sufficient At Age Two”

-“How (insert high school sport here) Is a Metaphor For Perseverance”

-“How (insert high school sport here) Is a Metaphor For Hard Work”

-“How (insert high school sport here) Is a Metaphor For Work Ethic”

-“My First Cavity: How I Learned to Accept Imperfection”

-“I’m Literally Perfect, Harvard: I’ve Never Even Gotten A Cavity”

-“How (insert high school job here) Is a Metaphor For Perseverance”

-“How (insert high school job here) Is a Metaphor For Hard Work”

-“How (insert high school job here) Is a Metaphor For Work Ethic”

-“The Crazy Nut That Almost Killed Me: Growing Up With A Peanut Allergy”

-“Have I Mentioned That I’m 1/16 Mexican?”

POINT: “I Hate My iPhone, But I’ll Die Without It”

I first realized that my iPhone turned me into a terrible person when I caught myself playing Angry Birds at my sister’s wedding last year. I couldn’t stop. I spent the previous night on a roll during the rehearsal dinner, and I was SO close to getting three stars on every level. I was the maid of honor, and I was supposed to hold her bouquet while she and her husband-to-be exchanged rings. Except, I got so caught up in the game that when she turned to give it to me, I missed the hand-off, and the bouquet bounced to the ground and kept rolling down the aisle, then got stepped on by an usher. So, her bouquet was pretty much ruined. Also, her wedding ceremony.

I do shitty stuff like that all the time because of my iPhone. I invite people out to dinner, then ignore them while I peruse through Instagram and Facebook. I run into people on the street because I’m reading on my Kindle app for iPhone, and by the time I register where I am and that I elbowed a 70-year-old man in the face, he’s already walking away and I’m tangled in my headphones and it’s too late. I even crashed my car because I was texting, building a new Spotify playlist, and googling “where is Gloria Estefan now” – all while doing a three point turn.I’ve also developed some weird antisocial tendencies. All the push notifications make me depressed when I don’t have at least two emails, one Facebook notification, and 2,000 Twitter notifications at any given second. I never call anyone anymore. I showed my mom how to text, and now I can barely remember the sound of her voice. I book reservations for restaurants with Opentable, I order a cab with Uber, I get directions from GoogleMaps, I scan pictures of my checks for Bank of America, I get laid using Tinder, and I order delivery through Foodler or Seamless. As a result, live interactions with humans make me uncomfortable and sweaty, so I spend most of my evenings asking Siri politically incorrect questions and giggling at her answers.

This is all iPhone’s fault. It just had to be super convenient and bank on human laziness to build this creation that has made me an addicted weirdo who sleeps with her iPhone in her bed with her every night and has a mental breakdown when the “20% battery” notification pops up (because soon it will only be 10%, and all I have is my Mophie battery case, and the extra external battery, and THEN WHAT?????). So thanks a lot, iPhone, for turning me into a terrible human with a Stockholm Syndrome-like addiction to you. As for the rest of you, I highly encourage you to never get an iPhone. If you never start, you will never know the pain of trying to stop.

COUNTERPOINT: “#Considerate”

I always thought of myself as a considerate person. I held doors for people, always gave up my seat on the bus for the pregnant and disabled, and I even helped elderly people cross the street. My thank you notes were always handwritten and offered detailed descriptions of all the towels I was going to buy with that lovely JC Penney’s gift certificate. My birthday presents were thoughtful and recalled the most fleetingly expressed desire for a lemon zester. I listened, I paused, I observed the people around me so that I could anticipate their needs, congratulate them on their successes, and comfort them through their failures. But, boy, was I wrong. This whole time I’ve been so caught up in the tactile world surrounding me that I was missing out on the world that really matters — the digital one. I was just bumbling along, with my pathetic little flip phone, too busy holding open doors and giving up my seat to even notice that, according to Facebook, it was my best friend’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s cousin’s friend’s wedding yesterday. And I didn’t even send a congratulatory tweet! Or what about my old high school gym buddy’s aunt’s friend’s granddaughter’s communion? Did I really let the vast Instagram stream of her beautiful white dress go unliked? Just so I didn’t have to pay for a smartphone plan?! In the words of one Miss Stephanie Tanner: “How rude!”

But never again! My iPhone may be freshly removed from its wrapping, but the front is already smudged with the fingerprints of consideration! My commute, once spent reading and observing the silly habits of my fellow bus riders is now a daily devotional to my Twitter feed. Did you know that my co-worker’s roommate’s boyfriend finally made her kale chips? How could I let that pass without a favorite, a retweet, and a “@catzncuddlz Congrats on your bf’s cooking skills! #kale #love #eatclean #chefoftheyear #congratsagain” I mean, sure, that man on crutches didn’t have a seat for about 20 blocks, but it was really important that I get through the last 12 hours of my Twitter feed. I didn’t want to look like the jerk who didn’t retweet that link to my sorority sister’s little brother’s latest study abroad blog post, did I?

And you won’t believe how considerate I can be just walking down the street now! It’s a flood of Facebook “Happy birthdays!!!” followed by a quick read of the my News Feed. My downstairs neighbor’s girlfriend’s sister just had a baby? Better like the squishy faced first photo! And what about my kickball captain’s cousin’s best friend’s status about how she’s running so late for work? I better post a quick “You can do it, girl!” comment. Sure, I might have run into that nice man while I was doing it, but he was limber enough once he got back up off the pavement. Which I would have helped him do, but my brother’s best friend’s girlfriend just posted a picture of her breakfast and I needed to like it.

I can even be considerate at work! Before, I could never even go on Facebook for fear that my boss would notice and ask how my spreadsheet was coming. But she doesn’t bat an eyelash when I spent 30 minutes on Instagram. Or at least I don’t think she does. It’s hard to see what her eyelashes are up to when I’m too busy liking that beautifully filtered picture of the Thai food that my cousin’s boyfriend’s coworker is eating for lunch. With a quick comment: “Those spring rolls look amazing. #greatlunch #thaifood #yummmm #lunch #thosespringrollslookamazing #delicious #jealous #foodie.”

And that’s just the beginning! There are a ton of apps and features that I don’t even know about yet! I don’t have to steal company paper and ink printing out tickets anymore-I can just scan them on my phone. I never have to be that rude girl who awkwardly has spinach in her teeth, because there’s some kind of mirror I can use, I’ve heard (this is unconfirmed, but probably would have come in handy on my date last Friday). I don’t have to clog up bank lines waiting to cash a check, once I get my banking app set up. And I can even use Tinder to find more people to friend on Facebook and follow on Instagram! It’s not its original purpose, I understand, but you can’t just date people without liking that picture they posted of their best friend’s sister’s dog. That would be SO RUDE.

BALLPOINT: Lisa DeBenedictis (point), and Jessica Pierce (counterpoint)

Former FBI director and famed snooper J. Edgar Hoover arose from his grave at the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C. late yesterday morning, according to multiple eyewitnesses.  Scientists have confirmed that this is the first instance of a human or other animal species coming back from the dead.

Footage of Hoover pushing out of the ground with his fist shows him nearly toppling over his gravestone in as he pulls himself out of the ground.

While alive from 1924 to 1972, Hoover paved the way for the American government to start spying on its own people. He worked tirelessly on the development of professionalizing law enforcement, forensic assistance, domestic counterintelligence and counterespionage.

“It was quite a sight,” said Blythson in a phone interview later that day. “I was pretty shaken up, what with seeing a zombie and all. But he didn’t want to kill me and eat my face, as I’d originally thought. He just kept yelling about digital image harvesting.”