The Gabbler: First of all, thank you so, so much for being here today! It’s really such an honor to meet someone so important to the history of mankind. I’m just kind of floored to be in the same room with you, to be honest.

Donald Trump: I tend to have that effect on people.

TG: …I was talking to Vasco da Gama, actually. Not that your work on The Apprentice wasn’t illuminating Mr. Trump. I mean, it was no sea route to India, opening Portugal up to trade with India without going through the Mediterranean or the Arabian Peninsula, but Bethenny Frankel sure is making her mark on the Bravo network. All thanks to the start you gave her!

DT: Actually Bethenny was on the Martha Stewart season.

TG: Right. But please, Donald, can I call you Donald? Why don’t you let Vasco speak for a second? Or at least move so I can stare deep into those beautiful brown eyes. Oh what they must have seen!

Vasco da Gama: Why thank you, Senhorita. Your eyes, too, are endless pools of understanding and curiosity.

DT: What does that even mean?! Listen, with all due respect lady, your eyes are putrid pools of liberal brainwashing. Let’s get to the real important topic: making America great again.

TG: Well, actually we’re here to talk about something else: ignorance. Vasco, how do you feel ignorance has helped you in your life?

VdG: Ignorance was the beginning of everything Senhorita. I did not know that there was a traversable sea route to India, so I left my home and travelled far, through treacherous waters, around the Cape of Good Hope, risking my life and the lives of my men to find the answer, to find the one route that would not result in total wreckage. And before now I was ignorant to what true beauty was. But I discovered it as soon as I saw your face.

TG: Oh, Vasco, please! I’m blushing!

DT: So you’re telling me that all this schmuck did was find the way to get to India? I can do that. Step one: get on my private jet. Step two: Tell them to take me to India. Done.

TG: Well, yeah, but he was the FIRST to do it. Because he admitted that he didn’t know the answer so he went out and sought it. What was the last time you had to go out in search of answer?

DT: Never. You wanna know why? I was born with the answers. They’re all up here, beneath my full head of hair. Trump see all, hears all, knows all.

TG: But isn’t that kind of the point? If all of human knowledge fits inside of Donald Trump’s brain, aren’t we done moving forward?

DT: Well we better start moving forward, toward the Reagan era, now that Obama’s been moving us backwards toward socialism. Time to make America great again!

VdG: If I may, Senhorita, isn’t the first step to knowing admitting that you do not know? Is life not an endless exploration, a search for the answers to our most profound, and most even most petty, questions? Without questions, what are we, but apes trumpeting our own greatness to the troop?

DT: Did you just call me an ape? With a mug like that, you should look in the mirror before you start throwing stones. Glass houses and all.

TG: And I don’t think someone with hair as disastrous as yours should criticize a man with such a gorgeous, flowing beard, Donald. Anyway, let’s get on to something more important. What’s it like to really, truly alter the course of human history?

DT: It’s truly humbling. But the economic enterprises I’ve built are nothing compared to what I’ll do as president!

TG: Yeah, I was talking to Vasco again.

VdG: Oh, I would not say that I’ve changed the course of anything, Senhorita. I am but one man on the endless search for knowledge.

DT: Well I don’t need to search for what I already have.

TG: Really? And since you know so much, how DO you get to India from Portugal by sea?

DT: I told you: you jump on Trump Air and cruise in style. But I guess if you’re going to be real insistent about this whole “sea route” thing, then we can hop on my yacht. Captain Pete will get us there.

VdG: You must stick close to the coast of Africa the whole way, of course.

DT: AFRICA?! I’m not a big fan of that country-bunch of whiny freeloaders if you ask me.

TG: Well that was wrong and offensive on a few levels. Perhaps it’s time that we end the interview, so Vasco and I can go check out that new wine bar they just opened up down the street from my completely-empty-because-my-roommate’s-gone-for-the-weekend apartment.

VdG: I would love to, bela.

DT: God, I should have known a lib like you would be kind of slutty. How about I come along and show YOU how to be great again, huh?

TG: Well on that note, I’ll leave it to readers who they’d rather be: the proudly ignorant and insatiably curious and incurably handsome Vasco da Gama, or the “knowledgeable” Donald Trump. Come on Vasco, let’s blow this popsicle stand.

DT: Whatever. You’re ugly, anyway.

-Went to the dry cleaner (preparing suits for announcement rally?)

-Had Sunday dinner with not one but TWO former presidents (Presidents George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush)

-Purchased a diet cookbook at the local bookstore (losing weight to look good in debates?)

-Chatted at length with bookstore salesgirl about local economy (trying to look “folksy” and “down-to-earth”)

-Went for a brisk walk with wife, forced her to use small hand weights the whole time (attempt to get “Michelle arms”)

-Attempted to kiss baby and puppy at ice cream shop (photo op, anyone?)

-As if that’s not evidence ENOUGH, quick hack of his personal computer also showed the following searches:

• what is pinterest
• will pinterest help me get the youth vote
• will instagram help me get the youth vote
• how to win elections with the twitter
• do ladies really care that much about abortions
• how to relate to youths
• dramatic political slogan ideas
• low fat slow cooker chili recipes
• what dog do american voters like the most
• hillary clinton pantsuit designer

The Gabbler: Welcome, Brontosaurus! It’s so great to meet you!

Brontosaurus: Bow down to your overloard, Homo sapiens! The noble thunder lizard has come to reclaim his existence! And his throne!

TG: Woah, woah, woah, calm down. Let’s not be too hasty. It’s 2015 AD, you know. We don’t really have overlords anymore. This isn’t the Jurassic Period or Westoros or anything.

B: Hahaha, sweetheart, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I was just kidding. That noble thunder lizard is a joke. You guys are terrible at naming things, you do know that, right?

TG: Do I ever! I mean, Homo sapiens means “wise man.” And while I DO Know some pretty good fart jokes, I’m always worried that they’re not quite wise ENOUGH. You know?

B: Absolutely. Speaking of farts, remember that time you guys thought we farted our way to extinction? That was classic.

TG: Oh yeah! That was HILARIOUS. But we’re here to talk about your really exciting news: you’re your own real species and not just a baby Apatosaurus, like we’ve believed since 1903. Congrats on getting your existence back!

B: Thanks, babe. You know, I’ll be honest: it’s been a really tough road. When I was discovered in 1879 I thought: this was it! My big break. And then that TOTAL DOUCHEFACE Elmer Riggs came around and decided I wasn’t even real! And for the next 100 years, it was like I didn’t exist. Except, of course, you know, in science textbooks taught in school, in popular movies and TV shows, on a special commemorative stamp in 1989, and in the imaginations of children everywhere. But meanwhile there were literally tens of paleontologists doubting my existence. It was infuriating!

TG: That sounds awful. Being told you were an Apatosaurus must have been a real Matrix moment for you.

B: Matrix moment?

TG: You know, that moment when you’re watching The Matrix for the first time and you think “ohmygod, what if none of this is real? What if I’M in the matrix? How long will I have to wait until a hunky, ethnically ambiguous man named Neo comes to save humanity from the machines after making out with me a whole bunch???” I chopped off all my hair and wore a lot of full-body leather suits waiting for my Neo. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Neo’s not coming. Because the matrix isn’t real.

B: Don’t sweat it, babe, with legs as sexy as yours, you’ll find somebody one day. They’re so short and stubby and round, any dude would be lucky to have you.

TG: Ummmm, thanks, I think? So what are you going to do now that the world has discovered you’re real again?

B: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe go viral, monopolize headlines around the globe, hang out with Fred Flinstone, and star in Land Before Time 75: Brontosaurus Is Back. You know, just a casual day in being actually real.

TG: Yeah, and then maybe check out an advanced screening of Jurassic Park! That Chris Pratt sure is dreamy now that he’s finally dropped all that first year of marriage weight.

B: No, thanks, I don’t do remakes.

TG: Okay. But, like who was even in the original? Jeff Goldblum? Chris Pratt could crush him with one luscious bicep!

B: Babe, if you ever, and I mean EVER, shit talk Jeff Goldblum in front of me again, we’re going to have a problem. Capiche?

TG: Okay, okay, I got it. And since when did brontosauruses learn Italian? Aren’t you from Wyoming?

B: I’m from Utah, actually, but I have some family from Wyoming. Good guys.

TG: Okay…moving on. What do you say to the paleontologists who question the conclusions of this study? Some are saying that the only reason that you’re now classified as your own species is because the paleontologists who studied your bones completely redefined what a species is.

B: Listen, I get it, okay? Scientists have a lot of trouble defining species in the past. It’s pretty straightforward with animals that exist: if they can reproduce and create viable off-spring then bam! you’re the same species. But when you’re dealing with something that’s extinct, all you have are bones (and not the fun, reproducing kind, if you know what I mean!). So, yeah, there’s going to be controversy and all of these semantics over what is a species really.

TG: So you don’t exist? You’re an Apatosaurus after all?!

B: Oh, I exist. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I grew up right next to an Apatosaurus and she was one hot dish, if you know what I mean. Her legs were stout as fuck and her tail just went on for yards. And not to kiss and tell, but if we had been able to produce viable offspring, we would have, with all the “reproducing” we were, if you know what I mean.

TG: Well, that sounds pretty definitive to me. #science! How do all of your friends feel about your great news? Is T-Rex taking it well?

B: Babe, I don’t know T-Rex. He’s 65 million years old; I’m 155 million. Me hanging out with T-Rex would make as much sense as you going on Kik to talk about how fleek Becky G is.

TG: I don’t know what any of those words mean, but I think you just called me old?

B: Sorry. But to the kids on Kik, you and I are basically the same age.

TG: Ouch. So we’re playing hardball, are we? Well at least I’m not extinct!

B: Keep denying climate change and you will be soon enough, don’t worry.

TG: WOAH. I believe in climate change, okay? I GET it.

B: Yeah? And how’s your green living going?

TG: I think I’m doing pretty well, thank you very much. I mean, sure, I have an SUV, but I NEED it to get to work and stuff. And you know, I go to Ikea like at least once every two years, so it wouldn’t make sense to have a smaller car. Where would I put all of the vegetable shaped throw pillows and cheap bookcases that I buy? And sure, I keep my heat at 80 all winter but you get it, right? You’re cold-blooded!

B: But you’re not.

TG: I might be. You don’t know my life.

B: Listen, babe, you do what you want. You’ll probably be fine. It’s more your grandchildren’s grandchildren that I’m worried about.

TG: Oh thank god. My care lease isn’t up for another year, so I’m definitely not giving that up any time soon. Well, I think that’s all our time. I’m sure you have plans with pterodactyl? Stegosaurus? Am I getting closer?

B: Yeah, Steggy and I are pretty close.

TG: See, I know stuff! Well, thanks for meeting with me! And congrats again on your re-instated existence!

B: Thanks, babe.

“The stuff was just flying off the shelves, man. I saw one woman actually take down a toddler to grab the last wilty bunch of kale from the shelves. It was insane,” said a Trader Joes employee who spoke with the Gabbler on the condition of anonymity.

As the city prepared for a possible 24-26 inches of snow, many New Yorkers flocked to grocery stores to stock up on essentials. Kale and quinoa were among the first grocery items to run out, with gluten free snacks a close third.

“I had to buy regular, gluten-filled pretzels,” said one harried shopper. “I’ll probably be mentally fuzzy and fatigued for days thanks to all that enriched flour.” Fortunately, she was able to grab some spinach and apples so that she wouldn’t be forced to forgo her morning green juice.

Real data on the number affected by this severe vitamin shortage are still pending, but public health officials are being consulted to assess the grizzly toll of this shortage.

“We can expect energy levels of organic eaters to be at an all-time low as gluten is reintroduced into their system and their protein and Vitamin K intake goes down, due to a decrease in quinoa and kale intake,” said Sandy Davis, a Whole Foods nutritional consultant.

Dr. Daniel Simms, a nutritional expert, also seemed concerned, saying that it would take people “minutes” to recover from these deficiencies, “those minutes, of course, being the time it takes you to just find another source of food.”

As the storm slowed this afternoon, weakened New Yorkers were seen slowly hobbling towards Whole Foods, no doubt in search of the kale their bodies were desperately craving.

We live in very exclamatory times. Thanks to the internet, we have a ton of outlets for our enthusiasm, most commonly expressed by the use (and overuse) of the exclamation point. But have you ever paused to consider how the Exclamation Point feels about this sudden turn in the spotlight? To find out The Gabbler sat down with him and had quite the illuminating conversation.

The Gabbler: Hi there Exclamation Point!!! Thank you so much for meeting with me today!!!

Exclamation Point: Good morning. It’s lovely to meet you.

TG: Well that was…calm. Are you feeling all right?

EP: But of course. Am I acting strangely?

TG: You could be a little more enthusiastic! Like, this is the first time I’ve EVER met a punctuation mark! And you’re going to get your name splashed in lights, right there on the Gabbler home page! Isn’t that MAJOR?!

EP: Well, I suppose. I’m more on the shy side, as far as punctuation is concerned. If you wanted someone who’s used to the spotlight, why not interview the period? He’s everywhere. Or perhaps the comma? He’s a big fan of controversy, as anyone who has ever engaged in the Oxford comma debate could tell you.

TG: That’s SOOO interesting!!! You know so much punctuation gossip! But why so shy?! You’re it, baby! You’re the center of all heightened human emotion!

EP: Well that’s just it, isn’t it? Most emotion isn’t heightened. So I’m really not used to being used much. It’s only lately, with the advent of the internet, that I’ve been everywhere it seems. In your emails, your G-chats, your Twitter feed. 140 characters and you use me four times? Now doesn’t that seem like quite the waste to you? I’m just not used to all the attention, I suppose.

TG: Okay, Exclamation Point. Let’s start at the beginning, then. Ease you into it. Where did you come from?  Where does any punctuation come from? Where do WE even come from?! What does this all mean?!

EP: I think I may only be able to answer one of those questions sufficiently. For the rest I’d refer you to any major world religion or the philosophy class of your choosing. As for my origins, it’s said that I come from the Latin io, which was added to sentences to denote great joy. Eventually they moved the “i” over the “o” and I was born. For the longest time, I was used sparingly to denote a sense of wonderment. I wasn’t even added to keyboards until the 1970s.

TG: But now you’re everywhere! It must be so great to be so famous!

EP: But that’s the point, isn’t it? I used to MEAN something. When you saw me, you knew, just knew, that something big had just happened. That someone had said or done something worth commenting on. Real enthusiasm, really human joy or anger or sorrow: your sweetheart is back from the war, or has left you for another man, or has died unexpectedly in a car crash. It was REAL, substantial human emotion fit for the occasion. Now I accompany every greeting, every email sign off, every single Facebook status. As if you’ll all die if you’re not enthusiastic every second of every day.

TG: But enthusiasm is SO important, you know? Like, how will people know that I’m a nice, sincere person, if I don’t pepper all correspondence with exclamation points? Then I’ll just seem rude!

EP: Isn’t that the point? That it’s NOT sincere to throw an explanation point on the end of a passive aggressive sentence to Julie in Marketing just to make it seem like you’re telling her nicely to stop taking coffee breaks and do her goddamn job?

TG: YOU have a Julie in Marketing, too? Ours is the worst!

EP: I can so unequivocally that your Julie is not the worst. Because in five minutes I’m sure the burrito you bought for lunch will be the worst and then the graphic designer you meet for drinks tonight will be the worst, and don’t you understand? Most of life is not lived in the extremes! Nothing is the worst! Nothing is the best! There is no use for me! Not all the time!

TG: I see I finally convinced you that exclamation points are useful.

EP: No comment.

TG: But I have two very serious questions: 1. How can a burrito ever be the worst? Have you even had a burrito? They’re the best! 2. What intel do you have on the graphic designer? Did Julie tell you something? She’s SO trying to cockblock me!

EP: I don’t even know how to begin to respond to that pile of nonsense.

TG: Getting a little touchy are we? Fine, let’s go back to the topic at hand. So why do you think that I’m overusing exclamation points when things like comics and Upton Sinclair exist? Upton Sinclair used you so hard, I’m surprised there’s anything left for all my email sign offs!

EP: Don’t even get me started with Upton. That man never saw something he didn’t think worth exclaiming upon. As for comics, I honestly see the need. They’re pulpy, surreal, they take place in a world where everything is over the top and men wearing leotards and tights save the day.

TG: So you don’t think that my Facebook page is an equally amazing, surreal world filled with tights and leotards? Obviously you haven’t looked closely enough at my photo albums!

EP: I’m saying that your email, your Facebook, your G-chats even take place within the realm of the real, where every hello doesn’t need to be followed by five exclamation points just to show that you are so very enthusiastic, upbeat, and nice.

TG: But how will people know that I’m nice if I don’t use exclamation points when I send them messages? Then I’ll just seem like a bitch!

EP: You could start by treating them nicely when you interact with them in real life. Take your friends out for drinks, invite Julie from marketing out to lunch, listen to problems with a kind heart and an open mind, help your best friend’s sister find an apartment, then help her move into it. Be a good person, then your punctuation won’t matter.

TG: Eh, that seems kind of time-consuming and expensive. I’m probably just better off shooting them an email filled with these: !!!!!!

EP: This is only going to get worse, isn’t it?

TG: Much. But that’s all the time we have. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me!!! I hope you have a lovely day!!!

The Gabbler: Hi, thank you so much for meeting with me!

Anonymous Gamer: You’re very welcome, ma’am.

TG: What?! “Ma’am?!” You’re already starting in with the misogyny?! We’ve been here two seconds! A woman is more than just her age! Her young, young, practically infantile age, in my case.

AG: I’m sorry, miss. I just saw the wedding ring and assumed…

TG: Wedding ring? Oh, this? That’s just that ring from Lord of the Rings or whatever. I just wanted to blend in, you know. Go deep undercover. So that’s THE ring finger? The one for wedding rings and stuff? Good to know.

AG: Oh, well I’m sorry to have offended you. So, we’re here to talk about Gamergate?

TG: That’s right. I assume, as a white male gamer, you’re on their side? You probably think I’m a dirty whore for even daring to question you about the topic, right?

AG: Well, no, actually. I’m kind of in the anti-Gamergate camp, actually. I think what those men (and women, to be fair) are saying to Anita Sarkeesian and Zoe Quinn is just awful. Death threats because women dare to criticize your precious games and freely practice your sexual agency? Come on, gentlemen, we’re better than this.

TG: So you admit it.

AG: Admit what?

TG: That you think Zoe Quinn’s sexual! Which is code for “slut.” I KNEW IT!!!

AG: No, I think Zoe Quinn, as a grown woman, possibly engaged in consensual sexual acts, as she has every right to. I also realize that none of these sexual acts resulted in any coverage of her game Depression Quest, positive or otherwise. And, really, it’s not any of our business what she did or didn’t do. She doesn’t owe us anything.

TG: Ummm, well that’s good? So what do you think about the whole Zoe Quinn/Eron Gjonji thing? His claims that, while they were dating, she cheated on him and slept her way to positive reviews is what started this whole thing.

AG: Like I said, it’s really not any of our business, but I do think it’s pretty clear that she didn’t “sleep her way to the top” and that her relationship with gaming journalists did not actually result in any positive reviews of Depression Quest. Nathan Grayson, the journalist who Quinn dated, never reviewed any of her work after their relationship started. It’s as simple as that. So that claim was absurd. As to Gjoni’s other claims that Quinn emotionally abused him, disregarding his struggles with mental illness and manipulating him throughout their relationship, I don’t know. I do think those allegations should be taken seriously and looked into. Any claims of abuse should be taken seriously, regardless of the gender of the abuser.

TG: Ah ha! I KNEW there was a misogynist under all of those layers of soft, cuddly, reasonable man! How could there not be? You’ve been taught to objectify women your whole life by the gaming industry! Women are just skimpy clothes holders with giant boobs in all those silly games you play! How could you possibly learn to respect us with that image constantly reinforced?!

AG: Because I’m a human being with my own mind that is capable of critical thought? Raised by a strong woman in a house full of independent, smart, and sometimes bossy sisters who demanded respect and taught me to demand equality and recognize my own privilege? That might have something to do with it.

TG: Okay, Mister Smarty Pants. If you’re such a “human being” who examines things critically, such a fan of smart, independent women, then how can you DARE criticize Zoe Quinn, a woman who’s under attack right now basically because she’s smart and independent?

AG: That’s not what I’m doing at all. Let me clear about one thing: the death threats, the rape threats, the cries of whore and slut, the doxing, those are terrible and nothing that Quinn did could justify them. Gjoni himself has come out against them. But I have read some allegations that Quinn was extremely emotionally abusive. I don’t know if they’re true, but I do know that when a woman claims abuse at the hands of a high-powered man we demand that she release his name to the public so we can all vilify him. So why punish a man for doing the same when he believes he’s been abused? Of course, the beginnings of Gamergate, with Quinn and Gjoni, are so far removed from the issues at stake it hardly matters. But I think it’s a possibility that few consider because the trolls latched on and everyone seems to focus on them, despite the fact that no one has ever changed a trolls mind in the entire history of the internet.

TG: So it really IS just about ethics in journalism?

AG: I feel like you’re not even listening to me…

TG: Well, no, because you’re using a lot of words and none of them sound angry, so it’s pretty easy to zone out. So if Quinn is awful and the trolls are awful, then who’s right? What is this whole thing even about?!

AG: It’s about a bunch of whiny white men get all upset that women and minorities are playing in their sandbox. So they’re acting awful and cloaking it in claims about ethics in game journalism. What passed between Quinn and Gjonji was tangential, a heartbreak that blew up into a movement, or really just an excuse to treat female gamers like shit.

TG: Sounds like we should just gang up on all of those whiny white men and push their heads into the sand. That way we can have the sandbox all to ourselves.

AG: But can’t just one side act like adults? For a while the internet was riddled with articles claiming that anyone pro-Gamergate deserved to be bullied. Seriously? Can one side of this whole conflict treat human beings like human beings? Even if they are terrible human beings who say awful things and don’t deserve courtesy or respect? It’s like the perfect storm of internet-based ignorance. Only articles that create an intense emotion are clicked, so everyone runs away with their emotions and no one stops to consider the real nuances, the ways that we can impact and improve society. Instead everyone yells at each other and the page views roll in and nothing ever changes. Can’t one person take the high road?

TG: I’m pretty sure the high road is where websites go to die. No one likes the high road! It’s just boring! Anyway, it’s been great talking to you, but I really was hoping for someone angrier and more terrible. So I’m just going to spend some time on internet comment sections to get my fill of rage. But thanks for taking the time to talk with me! Hopefully if we meet again you’re a little more filled with rage and a lot less reasonable. Work on that, okay?

Hey there, folks! Welcome to the 2014 holiday season! You probably should have started preparing months ago, around January 15^th, but hey, Netflix isn’t going to watch itself, am I right? I mean, sure, all those hours of watching Breaking Bad won’t get you a closet full of perfectly wrapped presents, a gourmet Christmas dinner, or even a token holiday boyfriend to show off to your judgey aunt, but isn’t that Walter White just a hoot? All that meth dealing to make money when my sister Mary could have shown him how to feed his family of four on just $5 a week!

But don’t you fret. I have all the holiday wisdom you need to make it through this year and straight on into 2015. And of course, now that you know better, you should start prepping for next Christmas as soon as you get through this one. Here are my tips for a holly, jolly Christmas. They’ll help you through economic insecurity, your family’s judgmental questions, and even your racist great-uncle’s glowering stare at your new Italian boyfriend!

1.      I shouldn’t even need to say this, but the only way to fund a full a holiday meal is extreme couponing. Now I’m no pro like my sister, so I’ll leave the teaching to her, but there’s no need to pay more than 25 cents for any one food item. Ever. You’d be amazed at what a delicious holiday meal you can make with expired meat, dented, canned tomato sauce, and the Goldfish that are on special this week. And any whiners will be reassured with a tasty dessert: 2 for 1 yogurt that also has a half off coupon!

2.      Extreme couponing is also a great way to save on gifts. Sure, your 15-year-old daughter may be upset that all she got this year was a 25 pack of Charmin, but she’ll need to wipe up all those tears with something, won’t she?

3.      If you do plan on buying “real” gifts, make sure to take advantage of shopping holidays. Not just Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, and Cyber Monday, but other national holidays, too. You’ve already missed Memorial Day, the 4^th of July, Labor Day, and Columbus Day, but what about Veteran’s Day? All of those soldiers didn’t fight and possibly die just so you could miss out Macy’s One Day Only Veteran’s Day Sale and the chance to save 30% off when you spend $150 or more on your Macy’s credit card. God bless America, indeed!

4.      Now that we’ve gone over how to save some dough this holiday season, let’s move on to something more important: making your terrible life seem enviable to all of your former high school classmates and distant family members. First off, you’re going to have to work on improving yourself RIGHT NOW. Thanksgiving is just three weeks away. That gives you three weeks to get yourself ready to make Billy the quarterback rue the day he decided not to ask you to prom when he runs into you at your hometown supermarket or, better yet, the local dive bar. It’s best if you start dieting and hitting the gym really hard. I know “body positivity” is all the rage right now, but flat abs never hurt anyone, now did they? And while you’re on the elliptical, why not practice making your job sound way more important than it is? Here are some businessey acronyms to get you started: B2B, KPI, IPO. I also recommend replacing “assistant” with “associate” and “waitress” with “customer service representative.”

5.      If you’re single, NOW is the time to start looking. If you’re still single on Thanksgiving, you’re practically guaranteed to spend New Year’s Eve alone, clutching a bottle of cheap champagne and softly crying in a corner while all your friends proclaim their love with a midnight kiss. So download no fewer than five dating apps on to your phone, but don’t stop there. Join singles social sports leagues, singles Meetup groups, and go speed dating at least once a week.

6.      If you’ve followed my tips so far, you should be ready for a great holiday season. But don’t forget that while you’ve embarked on a path of money saving and self-aggrandizement, your family hasn’t changed. So when your grandmother asks why you didn’t bother to comb your hair, or your mother asks you where the bottom half of your mini skirt went, or your great uncle tells your new boyfriend that he looks “terroristy,” don’t forget the number one way to get through the holiday season with grace and poise: booze!

7.      Most importantly of all, enjoy yourself! After New Year’s passes it’s just months of bleak weather leading into tax season. And the start of next year’s holiday preparation, of course!