THE GABBLER

July 25th, 2014
Bible Biz: God Bless America!

The following memo was sent to The Gabbler’s CEO. We’re currently in talks with Bible Biz to learn more about how finding religion can help us save more on our web hosting fees and boost ad revenue.

Attention, American business owners! This Hobby Lobby ruling has set a very significant precedent for America, and you need to act on it, NOW.  In case you haven’t realized, your business is officially a person in the eyes of the U.S. government, and as such, your biz can have personal and religious beliefs!  What does that mean for your bottom line? Well, now you can officially cut costs on your business simply by claiming religious choices or beliefs (just like pretending to care about homeless people or AIDs and then claiming the money you “donated” on your tax returns for a full refund). Hobby Lobby did it, and now they don’t have to pay for birth control for their female employees! Sweet!

So where do we come in? Our company, Bible Biz, can help you find “coincidental quotes” that use the Bible to justify nearly any cost-cutting measure you want to take as a business owner, but couldn’t implement before because it’s illegal. (We helped Hobby Lobby throw down with a dose of 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 and 1 Thessalonians 4:3!) If you haven’t found God yet, now is the perfect time!  Here are a few samples of “coincidental quotes” that can help you cut a few key corners below! God Bless America!

Child Labor Saves $$ And God Approves: Kids are WAY cheaper employees than adults, who love to complain about healthcare and benefits and discount gym memberships. All you do with kids is bribe them with a few lollipops, and you can easily get a 10-hour day out of them. Feeling a little uneasy about forced labor for children? Well, don’t anymore, because as it turns out it’s the will of God: “I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave, though he is the owner of everything, but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father.” – Galatians 4: 1-4

 Old People Suck – Let’s Fire Them: Let’s face it. If there weren’t any pesky laws against ageism discrimination, everyone would fire old people. They’re gassy, they smell funny (probably because of said flatulence), and they’re just plain slow. Plus, their medical bills are a huge expense for you as an employer. Don’t feel bad about kicking them out on the street anymore, because as Proverbs states below, old people are weak and need to be treated as such: “The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.” Proverbs 20:29

8 Hour Work Days Are For Puss– Er, Godless Sloths: You know what would really double efficiency? 16 hour work days. And anyone who doesn’t want to work for 16 hours is officially a sloth, according to God: “The hand of the diligent will rule, while the slothful will be put to forced labor.” Proverbs 12:11

This is just a mere sampling, folks! We have a whole database of topical Biblical quotes and (child!) customer service reps available on the phone and via online chat 24/7. We will find the right self-serving religious angle for you – guaranteed!

Coming soon: our Torah and Koran divisions! Stay tuned!

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