The following National Rifle Association memo was accidentally forwarded to The Gabbler by Sarah Palin. (Thanks, Sarah!) It outlines why Georgia’s new law, the Safe Carry Protection Act – which allows people the right to carry guns in public buildings such as schools, churches, and restaurants – is an ideal model for gun laws throughout the United States. Lock and load, bitches.
NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION
Re: Nothing But a Neighborhood Arms Race
Folks, the win in Georgia last week is an absolute victory for all of us who work for, support, and align with the NRA – but let’s not forget that plenty of fascist Obama-loving donkeys have been trying to argue that there’s no NEED for guns in places like schools, public parks, or grocery stores. Case in point: the Supreme Court just declined to try a case about NJ’s handgun permit law, which pretty much makes it impossible for anyone but a police officer to carry a handgun in public places. As you know, these kind of laws are un-American and unsafe. So the following memo has been created to tell you to tell them the following: with all the dangerous shootings afoot in this country, we’re simply responding to the neighborhood arms race.
Schools: Despite all the pink construction paper, lunch boxes, and smiling children, schools are now some of the most dangerous places in the United States. There have been over 130 school shootings since 1980 and we just had another school shooting in Ohio in March. This confirms what I have always suspected: children are nothing but evil killers. If kids are going to keep packing heat, we have no choice but to arm our teachers – in order to protect the children, of course – but also to help them protect themselves from the children.
Movie Theaters: Of course you need a gun in a movie theater! We all heard that story about the shooting in Florida at a movie theater over a text message. Next time you want to text in a movie theater, just remember that another person might find it annoying, and that person could shoot you with their gun, which is their right as an American citizen. So, just make sure yours is bigger.
Grocery Stores: Ladies, what do you do if another mom tries to grab the last rack of ribs, even though your husband specifically told you he wanted ribs tonight? You calmly whip out your gun, of course. You’re simply keeping up with the Joneses – after all, there was just a shooting in a grocery store this past January in Indiana.
Restaurants: There was also just a shooting at a restaurant in New York in March, and it doesn’t surprise me. Restaurants are heavily armed places. First of all, every diner is given a knife (never underestimate a butter knife, people). Plus, the chef has several. So you really have no choice but to bring your gun in there. I suggest leaning your rifle right up against the side of your table, so the waitress knows you’re a customer not to be trifled with.
Churches: What with those godless liberals trying to destroy America, I don’t think it’s even a question that every member of the congregation should be bringing a gun to his house of worship. We are in the midst of a holy war! You don’t think the Muslims don’t? There was a shooting in a church in New York in February, people. Bring your guns. DEFEND YOUR GOD.
Pharmacies: It may seem like you can let your guard down in a pharmacy, but we know better than that. The average person may pop in, unarmed, to grab a roll of toilet paper, some toothpaste, and a pack of Slim Jims. But not us. We know that there was a shooting at a pharmacy in Virginia a few weeks ago, so I’d keep your guns cocked and loaded. Maybe even aim it at a few folks, just so they know not to mess with you while you peruse the magazines. Although, come to think of it, don’t aim it at the employees, because they might think you’re an armed robber!
Walmart: There were 17 shootings at Walmarts across the country in 2014 alone. Walmarts are pretty much the modern day Wild West – so almost as dangerous as American schools. If you enter a Walmart without a gun, you’re not just a fool, you’re a dead man. I recommend bringing your largest gun to Walmart, as well as having your young son carry your backup rifle.