THE GABBLER

March 13th, 2014
We (Heart) Bill!

Following the release of previously confidential documents from Bill Clinton’s presidential library last week that detailed efforts to make Hillary Clinton more likable during her time as First Lady, a slew of new documents from Hillary Clinton’s 2004 presidential campaign were also brought to the media’s attention. Included in these documents was a file, titled “We (Heart) Bill,” that included plans and ideas for how to make Bill Clinton more likable after his 1998 scandal involving White House intern Monica Lewinsky. The following are quotes taken from these strategy sessions. 

  

-“Bill will write a cookbook that needs to show that Hillary can take center stage, and to show his domestic side. Possible title: ‘Bill Cooks for Hill’?”

-“Bill must work in the following comments to his statements to the press: ‘I love to give her [Hillary] foot rubs after a long day;’ ‘I call my daughter every morning and every night;’ ‘I believe a real man should know how to bake sugar cookies.’ ”

-“Can Bill guest star on Martha Stewart, or is she still in lockup?”

-“Let’s get him a piece in GQ on men’s fashion – maybe a guest column?”

-“Can we get some market research on whether Bill’s sex appeal has increased with his choice to go vegan?”

-“For the Inaugural Ball, we’re thinking Chanel will design both of H and B’s pantsuits.”

 -“Can we arrange for an accidentally-on-purpose spotting of him and Gloria Steinem getting lunch together?”

-“Let’s look into premature balding options for Bill to make him more vulnerable.”

-“Can we get him a Chihuahua, or is that going too far?”

Editors Note: Ultimately, none of these ideas needed to be used, because it turns out that everyone forgives an attractive, charismatic male for his indiscretions in about five years, anyway.

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