THE GABBLER

February 13th, 2014
Happy Anniversary, Facebook!

Facebook turned 10 last week, and aside from everyone’s annoying “Look Back” videos, we at The Gabbler wanted to post a little something special for our favorite (hyper)social(ly awkward) network. The following anniversary card was reportedly mailed to Facebook’s headquarters, but never opened. The accompanying infographic is just something we thought would be funny. (Please Like it on Facebook.)

My Dearest Facebook,

 Happy Anniversary, sweetie! I can’t believe it’s been 10 years. Where does the time go? I remember the very first time I logged in and glanced around your clean, bright blue space. That was back when you required a college email to sign up! Remember that? What a gas!

 Now, 10 years later, you’re so…different. I’m sure I’m different, too. I just watched my “Facebook movie” and I definitely have a new job now, a new apartment, fatter arms.  Or maybe you were always this way, but I never really knew you; never really knew the effect you would have on me.

And there have been a lot of good times! Thank you for remembering every single Friend’s birthday, and reminding me to write a post on their wall. And thanks to you, I have more (strategically-cropped and touched-up) flattering photos of myself than I ever thought possible. And perhaps most importantly, you allow me to keep in touch with people I don’t get to see very often, like my cousin and her adorable new baby. (The only baby on Facebook I’m NOT sick of!) So on this special day, I want to thank you, Facebook.

 Of course, we’ve had our ups and downs. I have to admit that you are an immense time-waster. I personally blame your presence for why I haven’t yet finished my Great American Novel. And my boss always catches me looking at you when I’m supposed to be checking Excel spreadsheets. It’s like I have some weird addiction to you. I can’t stop logging in.  Sometimes I stay logged in all day. I’ve tried to quit you; even take a short break. But for some reason, I keep feeling like I’m missing something. That, and I want to post my new Instagram pic to you, and see how many Likes I’ll get.

While I’m on the subject, I do have to say that your “Relationship Status” has plagued me for years. Thanks again for making me publically define my relationships, Facebook. Especially that time that I got dumped and I had to log in just to change it to “Single” and ended up spending hours looking at his old profile pictures and scanning his wall to see which girls were consistently Liking his posts. (You know as well as I do that Liking a boy’s post on Facebook is the social media equivalent to flashing him your nipple – how obvious.)

God, now that I THINK OF IT, you make it really easy for me to spy on people, Facebook. It’s like a creepy, voyeuristic cycle. And while I definitely take advantage of this way too often, I feel like you’ve turned me into this anxious, jealous person who constantly feels like people are doing more fun, glamorous, exciting things than me. So what do I do? I live my life through you. Instead of seeing a beautiful sunset and just fucking looking at it and letting myself get lost in the sheer beauty of something, I immediately take a picture and post it to Facebook using some special Instagram filter, and spend the whole ride home thinking about which clever hashtags should accompany the photo. (#lifeisbeautiful #justyouraverageTuesdaynight 

Or when I’m at my favorite restaurant and the waiter brings over this bubbling mac and cheese that’s browning at the top and oozing at the sides and my stomach is fucking snarling with hunger, but instead of plunging in with my fork while it’s piping hot, I fumble yet again for my iPhone to take a picture. (#foodporn #mydinnerisbetterthanyours) As a matter of fact, every vacation I’ve been on in the last 10 years has been soiled by you. All I thought about was how I’d title my Facebook albums. I’M MISSING MY LIFE. YOU’VE MADE ME MISS MY LIFE!

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?

You know what? Fuck our anniversary – I want a divorce.

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