October 24th, 2013
How To Not Get Raped

After writing the article “College Women, Stop Getting Drunk” in Slate last week about why women should stop drinking alcohol at parties to better avoid those darn rapists, Emily Yoffe has faced a bit of criticism. But we at The Gabbler found the article very informative, and asked Ms. Yoffe if she could provide us with a more extensive “list” of sorts for how to best avoid rape at any given time. She happily sent in the following list for women. Then we informed her that men can actually get raped, too, and after some convincing, she wrote one for men, as well. The following are Emily Yoffe’s guidelines for “How To Not Get Raped.” 


How To Not Get Raped:


-Avoid walking alone at night, or early in the morning, or alone in neighborhoods you don’t know, or walking in heels – especially stilettos. (Actually, you know what? Just avoid walking. Keep it to a steady run at all times.)

-Don’t drink alcohol.

-Don’t smoke pot.

-Don’t smoke cigarettes.

-Don’t smile – it’s an invitation.

-Don’t make eye contact – it’s very forward.

-Don’t blink – it’s suggestive.

-Don’t wear red – it’s too sexy.

-Don’t wear neon – it’s too bright.

-Don’t wear black – it’ll wash out your complexion.

-Don’t wear shorts.

-Don’t wear miniskirts.

-Don’t wear mini-dresses.

-Don’t wear maxi-dresses.

-Don’t go outside when you’re on your period. Rapists are like sharks – they can smell it a mile away.

-Don’t bite your nails – you may need them to defend yourself!

-Don’t wear makeup.

-Don’t wear your hair down – and if you absolutely have to, don’t brush it.

-Don’t brush your teeth. (No flossing, either!)

-Don’t use deodorant – your body odor may mask the smell of your menstration.

-Skip Halloween – too many costumes involve fishnet stockings.

-If the doorbell rings and you’re home alone, don’t answer.

-If the phone rings and you’re the only one home, don’t answer.

-If your cell phone rings at noon, don’t answer.

-Don’t eat anything you didn’t prepare or watch someone prepare.

-Don’t drink any water you didn’t pour or watch someone pour.

-And finally: always wear two pairs of Spanx – they’ll give up eventually!


How To Not Get Raped:


-Avoid Catholic priests.

-Steer clear of sperm hunters in Zimbabwe.

-Get liquid soap if you’re going to prison.

-Avoid other men – 90 percent of rapists are men.

-And finally: if you decide to get drunk at a college party, just be sure to shield yourself with lots of drunk women!


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