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Don't Feed an Internet Troll (Much Less Try to Interview One)

Lisa — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:19:26 +0000

While we at The Gabbler are big fans of sarcasm and a good laugh at the expense of others, we don’t quite understand why so many people take to the anonymity of the web to post the sort of insults that are so wretched they can even provoke an emotional response from Mitt Romney. These creatures aren’t actually human: they’re grimy, pockmarked individuals known as “internet trolls.” And one of them made the grave mistake of meeting with us in person.

The Gabbler: Thank you so much for meeting with us today, Mr – uh – EatShitAndDie6969? Am I pronouncing that correctly? All one word?

Internet Troll: Yup. Can you handle that? Or are you as dumb as you are ugly?

G: I know you didn’t mean that, Mr. EatShitAndDie. And is that your real name?

IT: What, you want to be fucking Facebook friends? That is the name I have chosen for myself, and so EatShitandDie6969 is my true, sacred name: my internet username.

G: Great. (Pauses.) You know, you can come out from behind that chair. And take that mask off. And nix the voice synthesizer. I’m not going to–

IT: –Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you, you worthless waste of oxygen? You stupid, sad, little bitch. EXCLAMATION POINT! EXCLAMATION POINT! EXCLAMA–

G: –Woah, woah, woah! You just went zero to about 360 on me, EatShitAndDie! Can we back it up here for a second? Keep the mask on. It’s fine! Lets talk about why you became an internet troll.

IT: You’re father never loved you.

G: Seriously? Answer the question!

IT: Fine. I’ll just save my comments for your piece of shit blog. Ah-hem. An internet troll is not something you become. I was born a troll. I will die a troll. It is who I am.

G: So are you like a mythical creature-type troll? Or are we speaking figuratively?

IT: Ugh, you’re such a goddamn moron. I’m like a cross between a Harry Potter troll and a Lord of the Rings dwarf. A little bit shorter, a little more hair on my toes. You get the idea. The word “troll” when referring to my species, however, – internet troll – gets its name from the Old French troller, which means “to hunt,” of course.

G: Of course. And do you typically hang out around bridges still?

IT: Nah, mostly Reddit. Also any syndicated columnist posts. Twitter can be fun, but I find it a little restrictive. A few major news source sites, too, but most are all “regulating” their comments these days. Bunch of fucking fascist pussies. Hey, if you can’t take the heat, don’t fucking Tweet. Am I right?

G: But don’t you ever feel like you trolls might be taking it a bit far? What about the anti-Semitic comments, the racial slurs, the degrading remarks against women? Some trolls even cyber-stalk people. It’s really disturbing.

IT: But that’s the point, you useless piece of cum-guzzling garbage. We aim to provoke an emotional response: anger, frustration, sadness. It’s how we sustain ourselves.

G: What the—What the hell is your problem?

IT: My point, exactly. Our troll ancestors fed off human flesh. But that got old, and now there’s Seamless and GrubHub. This is the virtual age! We’ve replaced bridges with basements and clubs with cursors. It’s fantastic. And honestly, the thrill of the hunt in a virtual attack can be just as satisfying. Plus, with practically every stay-at-home mom with a half decent camera and too much free time starting a blog these days, lets just say there’s plenty of fresh meat to go around.

G: Okay, well what about the legislation in Great Britain that has put several internet trolls behind bars for defamation?

IT: The Brits always were a bunch of stuck up pussies.

G: But take Sean Duffy, for example. After a 15-year-old girl was killed when she was hit by a train, he posted comments on her Facebook tribute page such as “I fell asleep on the track LOLZ.” Don’t you think that is taking this just way too far?

IT: You have to admit, though, that YouTube video he made was pretty funny: “Tasha the Tank Engine.” Priceless!

G: You’re a fucking monster, man.

IT: No, I’m a troll. And I just want to know: do you support freedom of speech? Does the phrase: “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,” actually mean anything to you?

G: Well, yeah—

IT: –Good. You’re not a completely worthless cunt rag.

G: (Jumps up out of her seat.) ALL RIGHT, THAT’S IT. WHY DON’T YOU SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU GODDAMN COWARD?

IT: Say what? That you’re a smelly whore? Or that you’re a dumb, fat twat? EXCLAMATION POINT.

G: Okay, you know what? A twat can’t even be fat. And I just joined Crossfit, so you can suck it. You know what I think? I think you’re lonely, and sad, and pathetic. Negative attention is better than nothing, right?

IT: How astute. I was gravely mistaken to have insulted your intelligence. But let me ask you a question, you dumbass waste of space. If trolls are such worthless piles of shit, then why are more and more media outlets and writers emulating their behavior?

G: What are you talking about?

IT: Do you ever wonder why what used to be known as prestigious media outlets post extremely controversial and pretty fucking inaccurate content more and more these days?

G: Because the internet raped and pillaged Journalism, then vomited all over it before lighting it on fire and throwing it out the window?

IT: Huh. Clever. Good thing, because your face looks it got caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork. Because they know that if they trigger an emotional response in their readers, they’ll get more hits on their website. Hence Newsweek’s “MUSLIM RAGE.” Hence Forbes’ “If I Were A Poor Black Kid” and “Why Most Women Will Never Become CEO.” Hence Business Insider reporting that the Lipstick Effect is a direct result of the fact that “women see a decrease of the availability of quality mates” without citing a single statistic to back that logic. They’re trolling, too. They may not call you a cock-sucking mother-fucking dipshit, but I can still feel the hunches forming in their backs. They want you, the reader, to get mad, to get upset. Because when you do, guess what? It only makes them more money in advertising. Trolls are taking over the internet, whether you like it or not. So do me a favor: save the “playing nice” and the “moderated discussion” bullshit for preschool and The New York Times. This is the real world.

G: Nope. This is the real world. (Leans over and kicks him in the groin.) Eat shit and die, Troll.

Ask Me Anything with the Veep

Jessica Pierce — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 13:21:24 +0000

The following thread appears to be Vice President Joe Biden’s attempt at a Reddit thread, in imitation of President Obama’s recent use of the Reddit Ask Me Anything forum to reach out to constituents. However, this particular thread was found on the site ReadIt, an online forum for members of Reading, Pennsylvania. Biden has not since published a thread on Reddit, although there is speculation that he may following the Democratic National Convention.

Hi, I’m Joe Biden, vice president of the United States, here to answer your questions, just like my boy Obama did last week! After a brief, accidental foray into ThreadIt, a community of needlepoint enthusiasts (btw, thanks, ladies, for finally helping me master the elusive encroaching upright gobelin stitch!), I’ve finally made it here, to Reddit, where I’ll be happy to spend the next 30 minutes answering any and all questions you might have for me, Joe Biden!

UPDATE: Well that was fun. I’m off now, for my mandatory four hours of campaign anti-gaffe coaching, but I have to say, it’s no ThreadIt, but this whole Reddit thing isn’t too shabby.

Question: What do you even do?

Answer: Tons of stuff! I like to spend time with Jill, my lovely wife. Oh! And being a grandpa is just great! Also, I’m the vice president, which your civics class should have taught you is a position where you do a lot of thankless work and then get yelled at by everybody for one LITTLE comment you accidently make about putting black people back in chains (even though it was clearly Romney who wants to do that, NOT me). In fact, as VP, I get yelled at a lot, even though my practical, devil’s advocate approach keeps everyone from just running off to commie town, am I right? Plus, whose personal relationships built during a 35 plus year run as a Senator do you think allows the White House to work with Congress Republicans? But NOOOOO, it’s much more important that I keep my mouth shut about gay marriage so that Obama can drop that bomb when he sees fit.

Question: As a former single parent, do you really think that women can have it all?

Answer: Well I can certainly name one woman who has it all: Dr. Jill Biden. A handsome, successful husband who’s just a heartbeat away from the highest level of power in the world, albeit a very strong and well exercised heartbeat (thanks, Michelle!), a beautiful daughter, loving stepsons and grandchildren, a successful career. The first Second Lady to ever continue working once her husband takes office because what she says goes in our household, no matter how many times I ask who’s supposed to organize tea time for visiting dignitaries! But seriously, ladies, you know I’ve got your back, right? I get it, ok. I might not have the same parts as you, but I know exactly what it feels like to commute hours every day just so that you can pursue your career dreams while still maintaining a sense of stability in your children’s lives. And at the end of the week all you want is a nice bubble bath and maybe a brownie or a glass of wine, but NO your youngest is on the verge of tears because his older brother told him that Big Bird wasn’t real and there is just so much laundry. What I really mean to say, is thank God I found Jill, because she was really able to sort out that Big Bird problem for me.

Question: What are you going to do, personally, to get me a job? Seriously, this unemployed and living in my mom’s basement thing is getting old, especially given how much food service experience I have.

Answer: We’re working on it. I wish I could just find everyone in America a job, I really do, but I’m too busy flying around the world in a private jet and being pampered by our allies while we talk wars and stuff. (Although, I hear Chili’s is hiring…check out their application here!) But seriously, I’m trying, okay? I mean, I spent a lot of time overseeing the stimulus, ensuring that there was absolutely almost no corruption at all and that the money really went to helping maintain and create jobs, which is always good for the economy! (That must be why California Pizza Kitchen is also hiring!) Seriously, though, the internet is filled with online applications for food service related jobs. What are you doing all day in that basement instead of just filling out a few of them?

Question: Is Iran going to nuke us?

Answer: Not if you reelect Obama. ;)

Question: I hear you’re a 99 percenter like the rest of us (second poorest member of Congress in ‘08, hell yeah!). How come I’ve never seen you down at Occupy, man? Also, how has your relative poverty helped inform the work you do as veep?

Answer: Okay, I’m going to be completely honest: not cool. You don’t think it’s just a little bit embarrassing for me to be running with all these millionaires and for you to just tell the internet how poor ole Joe Biden is? You know what, some of us started our Senatorial careers a little too young to bring in much bacon with our fancy law degrees, okay? Do you know that I was the sixth youngest Senator in US history? I was too busy working on behalf of my constituents in Delaware to bring in money on the side, okay? And I had two boys to raise, on my own, thank you very much, until Jill came along. So sorry that I don’t fit your image of the slick, wealthy politician. Nope I’m just Ole Joe from Scranton, won’t see him in an Armani suit at the debate. It’s just embarrassing, okay, I’m not proud of it. But you know what? The VP salary isn’t bad, so I’m doing just fine, thank you very much.

Question: What’s your opinion of Paul Ryan?

Answer: Don’t even get me started. The thought that, if things don’t go my way in November, Ryan could be in my office, jerking off to Atlas Shrugged or getting his P90X sweat all over my chair disgusts me. I mean if this guy is as good at creating gridlock as VP as he was in the Super Committee our country is doomed. As VP, I know the importance of greasing the wheels, getting things done, making compromises, hiding your true disgust with the Republican Party. This guy can’t do any of that, so he’s just going to sit around hrumphing about no compromises for lower taxes on millionaires and banning gay marriage while running our country into the ground.