THE GABBLER

August 5th, 2013
Post-911 Policed State Googling: The Do’s and Don’ts

 After hearing about the Google search for “pressure cooker” and “backpack” that went terribly awry and resulted in an impromptu visit from the FedsThe Gabbler staff took the liberty of making a list of things that Americans should probably avoid googling if they don’t want the government to go all 1984 on them. But don’t fret just yet: we also made a list of things that it’s still totally okay to search for, too!

List of Things NOT to Search For if You Don’t Want the FBI Coming to Inspect Your House:

1.     How to send flowers to bin Laden’s grave?

2.     Backpack (Including but not limited to: hiking packs, fanny packs, hipster leather satchels, Hello Kitty backpacks, etc.)

3.     looking to light up a spark on MuslimMingle

4.     Guantanamo Pen Pal Program

5.     Signed copy of latest Rolling Stone cover?

6.      How to be “da bomb”

7.     Celebrating Eid al Fitr

8.     Is my religious behavior fundamental enough? (Islam edition)

9.     Round trip tickets to Afghanistan, American Airlines

10.  How to spy like the NSA

11.   Successful DIY pressure cooker recipes

12.   Michael Hastings fishy murder?

13.   9/11 was an inside job

14.   Where to find bomb shoes (This adjective-noun combo is particularly problematic – may we suggest erasing the slang adjective “bomb” from your vocabulary all together, and replacing it with “cool,” “awesome,” and/or “neato”?)

15.    Dzhokhar is such a dreamboat

16.   Can suicide really lead to sex with 72 virgins?

List of Things it’s Still TOTALLY Okay to Search For:

1.     Where to buy AR-15 gas-powered modified semi-automatic rifle, hollow-tip bullets, body armor, night vision goggles

2.     Duffel bag, body bag, extra large trash bags that could hold a large, dead animal

3.     Aryans seeking Aryans for superior sex

4.     Where can I get a swastika tattoo?

5.     buy gun ASAP no wait no background check

6.     How to construct and burn a cross

7.     Is my religious behavior fundamental enough? (Christianity edition)

8.     How to evade taxes legally

9.     Watch free rough sex woman beat up YouPorn

10.    Westboro Baptist Church member application

11.     Cheap KKK robes

12.     Is The Anarchist’s Cookbook on Kindle?

13.    Why can’t I legally stop my wife from having an abortion?

 

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