THE GABBLER

March 5th, 2014
Palin To Lead Task Force, Accompany Kerry On Trip To Ukraine

After the discovery that Alaska governor and former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is indeed a foreign policy expert and may even possess psychic powers, the Obama administration has made a swift decision to enlist her help with the current Ukraine crisis.

“We thought she was a bumbling lunatic who couldn’t name a single periodical and thought a mountain range near her house was Russia,” said a spokesperson for the Obama administration. “Those things may be true, but still – we thought wrong.”

As Secretary of State John Kerry pointed out in a press conference yesterday, Palin’s psychic prowess with regard to foreign diplomacy and aggression are too much of an asset to hold partisan grudges.

“We have decided to put our differences aside, and assign Ms. Palin a highly specialized task force that will build off of her extensive Russian and Eastern European diplomatic understanding,” said Kerry. “Palin’s number one assignment is to provide us with key insight into Crimea’s role in Russian nationalism, Putin’s motivation for military advancement, and an in-depth understanding of Ukraine’s social, political and economic state. She has more than proved herself at this point.”

In a statement on Tuesday, Palin agreed with Kerry.

“ ’Course I’m an expert on this stuff. God has just proven that! It’s kind of like when that woman found a picture of Jesus on her burnt toast and everyone camped outside her trailer,” said Palin. “She was clearly blessed with a sign, and now so am I. I can predict the future! I just did it again yesterday, when I just knew my son Track would order a burger with bacon and Freedom fries for dinner. How do you explain that, America?”

At press time, Palin was unfortunately unavailable for further comment on her upcoming trip to Ukraine, as she was sitting atop her roof with binoculars, developing a strategy for the trip based on what she still claims is a bird’s eye view of Russia.

 

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