THE GABBLER

July 10th, 2013
Determined to Preserve “Egyptian Goddess” Wedding Theme, Kimye To Incorporate “Da Nile” and Egypt’s Angry Mobs into Wedding Festivities

Following Monday’s rumors of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s hopes to wed in Egypt, the happy couple (and new parents) decided to make a surprise visit to Cairo Tuesday to scope out potential vistas and venues for their “Egyptian Goddess” themed wedding.

After grabbing her six Louis Vutton suitcases from Cairo International Airport’s baggage claim, Kardashian asked some local merchants to take them up to her hotel room for her.

“Dooo youuu recognizeee mee?” yelled Kardashian, telling reporters later that she was speaking slowly as “a courtesy to the foreigners.” “I know youuu probablyyy think I’m Isis, ‘cause she’s really, really hottt, but I’m just famous. Can youuu take our suitcases up?”

Moments later, Kardashian muttered, “Oh my God, I can’t even communicate with these people,” and headed toward Tahrir Square with West to “check out the party scene!” As they reached the edge of the square, their heated argument about what flowers would go best in the bridesmaids’ bouquets was immediately stifled by screams from protesters.

“The paparazzi are insane here!” said West, coughing through breaths of tear gas.  “I mean, I know that Yeezus pretty much changed the face of music as we know it, but honestly, we’re just trying to plan a wedding. Nothing to see here, people.”

“I know, right? We totally get why you’re all excited, but I’m seriously too hot for this. Make it less crowded, babe,” said Kardashian, pushing through a few women holding protest signs.

Later, West and Kardashian reportedly toured a few different hotel venues, but were discouraged by the traffic caused by the violent mobs of what West referred to as his “Egyptian fan base.”

Rolling her eyes at her husband, Kardashian said, “They’re crying because their families, like, haven’t seen anything like me in, I don’t know, a really, really long time. Like, since the pyramids were made.”

“It’s just a little inconvenient that everyone here is so emotional, because Egypt is so me. I’m so Isis. Jet black hair, lots of gold, heavy eye liner, worshipped by millions. It’s perfect,” added Kardashian. “Now that I’ve seen the pyramids in person, though, I think they could use a little color for the big day. I wonder if there’s, like, someone in the Egyptian government we could talk to about that?”

Despite the country’s continued unrest under new military-appointed leadership, the couple explained that they refuse to give up on their dream wedding so easily.

“Since the soldiers and the Muslim Brothas didn’t respond to any of my requests to tone down their drama for a few days, my people are trying to talk to their people to offer them a chance to incorporate this whole scene into the wedding, preferably to get that shit choreographed to the soundtrack of Yeezus,” said West. “It will be so edgy and avante garde, which is a lot like Yeezus.”

West then began rapping part of a new song he says he might call “Da Nile,” but stopped suddenly after looking at his wife’s eyebrow raise.

“Plus, I’m thinking Jay-Z will perform, so the live gunshots will really just make his performance so real!” added Kardashian.

“UM, no.  I’m the only one performing at my own wedding. We’ve talked about this, K!” said West.

“But who’s gonna dance with me, baby?”

“We want the best, and that’s me, babe.”

West added that their daughter, the aptly named North West, will not be the flower girl in their wedding. When asked if this was due to the fact that Americans have been strongly advised not to travel to Egypt under any circumstances during this period of unrest, he shook his head.

“Nah. It’s just that she’s still really small and kind of has a squishy face,” he explained. “We’ll need a flower girl who’s got her shit together. This isn’t just any wedding.”

Egypt’s interim president, Adli Mansour, has (rather forcefully) declined to comment on the Kimye wedding at this time.

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