THE GABBLER

Author Archive

Thursday, June 7th, 2012

Even the Veep is Creeped Out: Biden Calls 911 Over Zombie Sighting

Early this week, The Gabbler intercepted a 9-1-1 call from Vice President Joe Biden, which has been transcribed below. In the 7:00 AM call, Biden appears panicked and scared about an altercation with a zombie – until of course, he realizes that the zombie is actually House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, without any makeup on.

Friday, May 25th, 2012

In their First Interview Ever, Jolie-Pitt Kids Finally Talk. A Lot. Like, A LOT.

The Gabbler sits down with the stunning, cosmopolitan, and above all, enigmatic Jolie-Pitts: Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Knox, and Vivienne, the six children of famed actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The bright eyed siblings are full...

Friday, April 27th, 2012

Luckily for James Franco, it's Only Art if Someone Buys it

 What started out as a Gabbler interview with James Franco on his budding art career quickly progressed into something so post-post-modern, Derrida would have thrown himself into the abyss just for it to be over…   Q:...

Thursday, April 26th, 2012

Kanye's Hidden Texts to Kim: How Can Obama Be So Heartless?

Famed socialite and reality TV star Kim Kardashian’s iPhone was hacked this week, revealing not only hundreds of photos, but also hidden texts between Kardashian and new beau Kanye West that discussed the upcoming White House Correspondents’...

Friday, April 20th, 2012

Romney Granddog Shits on Obesity, Electoral Process and the Carpet

In a much anticipated interview, The Gabbler sits down to speak with Maximillian Romney, granddog of famed Romney family dog, Seamus. Q: Thanks so much for agreeing to meet with us, Mr. Romney. I know that you’ve avoided...

Tuesday, April 17th, 2012

Sick of Being Treated Like Pink Slime, McDonald's Files Sexual Harassment Charges

After a long and draining few months filled with “intense therapy sessions and WAY too many McFlurries,” McDonald’s has finally come forward and filed sexual harassment charges against Burger King. The corporation has attributed much of its...

Saturday, April 7th, 2012

The Right Way to Spot Mr. Wrong, by America's Sweetheart

The following is an excerpt from the first page of Jennifer Aniston’s debut collection of short stories and essays, titled “Mr. Wrong.” Aniston began writing the book on the set of the film “Wanderlust” in late 2010 –...

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012

Lesbrah, Toe Yoga, Butt Fear

Lesbrah: (ˈlɛz brɑ) A man (typically wearing salmon-colored pants, a popped collared shirt, and sunglasses indoors) that spends a great deal of his time following lesbian couples around bars, believing that after consuming alcohol, they will realize...

Sunday, April 1st, 2012

Handel Resignation Letter Unearths Plans for Pink Cigs, Possible Breast Fetish

This letter is a first draft of Karen Handel’s resignation letter to Susan G. Komen for the Cure’s chief executive officer, Nancy Brinker. It was recovered from one of the recycling bins behind the organization’s headquarters in...

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